1. A shirt (or at least one for the guy on their cover)

2. Less ab grease

3. A beat down

4. Friends (co-workers and workout buddies don't count)

5. A penis to name (You know, besides the one on their workout buddy.)

6. To meet an actual poor person (or, in their judgment, someone who spends less than $20 on a case of beer)

7. A workplace ban on topless photos of Jake Gyllenhaal

8. One less mirror in their home

9. Daddy’s approval

10. Xbox thumb

11. Antacids, so they can digest something other than pink yogurt out of a Hello Kitty cup

12. A really, really old guy to hang out with so they can feel young

13. An exercise that doesn't involve a yoga ball

14. An uppity, smartass attitude. (wait, they already have that.)

15. 24 hours strapped to a chair, eyes taped open and watching Animal House, Clockwork Orange style.

16. A beer without a lime crammed into it.

17. Looser underpants

18. A secret handshake instead of a slap to the ass

19. The realization that getting your passport stamped in Canada once doesn’t make you James Bond