All this happened just this week? Say goodbye, humanity, the end times are a-comin'.
Steven Seagal attacks a chicken farmer with a tank
That's right: As if everyone's favorite arm-breaking eco-warrior hadn't made a mockery of himself enough already with his country music, his pervy shenanigans and the last five minutes of On Deadly Ground, he's now using taxpayer dollars to jazz up his reality TV show - Steven Seagal: Lawman - by busting out a freaking tank to arrest a guy suspected of raising roosters for cockfighting. This video of the aftermath shows him expressing his distaste for cruelty to animals, which seems somewhat at odds with the homeowner's claim that the police killed over 100 of the birds and shot his dog during the raid. Whatever the eventual outcome, when a fat, apparently insane, direct-to-DVD action star is allowed by a police force to attack civilians with a tank because he thinks their chickens look a bit too ready to rumble, the apocalypse is surely on its way.
Denny's makes a 1,690 calorie sandwich
Really, Denny's? The KFC Double-Down wasn't bad enough, you had to make a burger-and-mac'n'cheese sandwich with three times the calories? Well, that's it for the human race, then. As the book of Revelations says, "And lo, there came a great sound like that of somebody slowly slurping a giant bucket of lard, and thence came a great shaking as a thousand upon a thousand more rippling pairs of buttocks waddled through the door and dripped buttery sweat upon the carpet".
George Lucas keeps fucking with Star Wars
The new Star Wars Blu-Rays are coming out, and George still can't just leave it the hell alone. Fine, if you must add blinking Ewoks and other pointless shit, knock yourself out. But take one of the most loathed moments of the prequels - Darth Vader's ridiculous "NOOOOO!" - and add it onto the (formerly) brilliantly enigmatic climax of Return Of The Jedi? No. This is what mad men do as their minds crumble in the face of the world ending. IT IS A SIGN, PEOPLE.
Juror screws up trial by friend-requesting the defendant
There's dumb, there's really dumb, and then there's deciding to send the defendant a friend request on facebook when you're in the jury. That's exactly what Texan Jonathan Hudson did, ending up getting charged with contempt of court and sending a clear signal to any judgmental aliens that yes, they can safely destroy the planet without worrying about the presence of intelligent life.
Germany finally releases Doom
Banned in 1994, Germany is finally allowing the sale of classic FPS Doom, meaning that a whole generation of German kids can grow up understanding the importance of a headshot and take over the Earth. Really, world? That's how it's going to go down? The Germans? Weak.