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 We’ve been wondering what the teams who don't make the NCAA Tournament do to pass the time in March and early April. The answer has come in the form of one Stanley Pringle, point guard for Penn State. The University’s student newspaper reports that Pringle has been charged with public masturbation—in the school’s library. Pringle has denied the charges. But according to the paper:
“Police said [Pringle] sat behind a woman in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with her and then began masturbating...The Nittany Lion guard is being charged with open lewdness and disorderly conduct....”
While we applaud Pringle’s seemingly scholarly aspirations—he was, after all, in the library—we do not condone involving innocent bystanders in such unorthodox study techniques. And couldn’t Pringle’s time be better spent in other pursuits? Penn State finished 15-16, 7-11 in the Big Ten. Seems like he's confused about which ball-handling skills need work.
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![tony-and-mike[1].jpg](http://embed.maxim.com/25501-26000/25724/tony-and-mike[1].jpg) What could be worse than having your collective Cinderella hearts broken in the Elite Eight by traditional power Kansas? If you’re this year’s giant-slayer, Davidson, it’s having the gentlemen of ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption mock your loss with a cruel April Fool’s Joke. Today, early-evening couch potatoes were treated to sports debaters Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser presenting a March Madness shock: Kansas and Davidson will replay the final 16 seconds of Sunday's game because of a scoring mistake that allowed a Kansas player to keep playing after he had already fouled out.
Wilbon quipped, "Now we see a situation where the mid-major is treated fairly." Kornheiser heartily argued with him for a bit, then revealed that the entire affair was a practical joke.
In the real game, Davidson fought a see-saw battle with Kansas for 40 minutes, before failing in the final seconds to find a decent shot to tie or win the game. Now they have the Bald Ones at PTI taunting them with a second chance at glory. Way to kick Davidson while their down, guys. What do you have planned for tomorrow? A day full of Britney Spears' fat jokes?
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 Ok we get it: Tyler Hansbrough is incredible. The man is averaging over 23 points and 10 rebounds this season, and he’s a leading candidate for Player of the Year. If he comes back for a senior year, he will break every significant Carolina offensive record. However, if you listen to Jay Bilas, Tyler Hansbrough has the possibility to not only be the greatest college basketball player of all time, but also to possibly end the genocide in Darfur, travel through time, and lift huge boulders off of trapped hikers. A few nuggets of wisdom from the venerable college basketball analyst:
Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough’s heart exceeds his skill set, and his skill set is considerable.”
We say: For a man with a law degree from Duke University, you’d think Bilas could find a way to vary his blandishments; unfortunately, for anyone who’s been watching the tournament, you know that Bilas has uttered this exact, annoying phrase at least a dozen times since Selection Sunday.
Bilas says: “Hansbrough is never going to be out-worked. I played against Michael Jordan, and believe me, Jordan could not out-work Hansbrough.”
We say: Michael Jordan? Surely you jest! We’re talking about the man who used to fistfight his teammates in Chicago because he demanded so much effort and perfection from them. Not to mention he’s the greatest basketball player who has ever lived.
Bilas says: “Sometimes we just don’t do justice to how skilled this big man is, because all we ever discuss is his effort.”
We say: No, we think Hansbrough’s doing fine on the superlatives. He’s already had his number retired by UNC (keep in mind he’s still playing), he’s racking up Player of the Year Awards and he’s heading the All-American Team for the third straight year. We’re pretty sure he’s not getting the short end of the compliments stick.
Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough has agreed to supply nine different hospitals with sections of his enormous heart to use for transplants. With his enormous cardiac capacity, Hansbrough will save the lives of nine very fortunate children, while still retaining enough of his heart to carry North Carolina to possibly its best single season performance ever. He won’t miss even a quarter of playing time, either. That is how much heart he has.”
We say: Ok, we’re making this one up, but seriously, Bilas, enough with the worship!
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 As the US government scrambles to save the economy from a severe recession, we here at Maxim have, once again, devised a plan to save America: cancel the NCAA Tournament. No, not forever—just for a few years, until we get inflation and credit problems under control again. After all, it is reported that the US economy now loses over $1.7 billion in productivity every March and April
Rather than entertaining the masses for three weeks, here are a few examples of how we could put our basketball assets to work:
--Send Tyler Hansbrough to single-handedly rebuild New Orleans
--Promote the use of Dick Vitale as a renewable energy resource
--Send Coach K and his Dark Army of Blue Devils to find Osama Bin Laden
--Appoint Digger Phelps as Secretary of Color Coordination for the Homeless
--Elect Stephen Curry Honorary President
--Hand over all interrogation duties at Guantanamo Bay to Bobby Knight
--Order Robin Lopez to contribute to, and head, the Locks for Life Campaign
--Allow Billy Packer to make official apologies to the rest of the world for slavery, the Trail of Tears, the atomic bomb and the production of the movie Norbit.
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If you’re like us, you didn’t have Davidson winning in the Sweet 16. In fact, if you’re like us, most of your picks aren’t working out. That said, we’re ditching all forms of scientific research and stats and picking the Final Four teams based on what really matters: attractiveness!
 Texas vs. Memphis
Yes, the Longhorns wear chaps when they cheer. It’s like what you wish Brokeback Mountain would have been. Memphis may have made it through Conference USA on their mediocre looks, but now they’re playing with the big boys.
Winner: Texas
UCLA vs. Xavier
If cheerleaders decided things, the Bruins would be the No. overall 1 seed, not Carolina. On the other side, Xavier's cheerleaders look exactly like what they are: chicks from Cincinnati.
Winner: UCLA
North Carolina vs. Louisville
The Tar Heels are disqualified for their obnoxious use of that pansy blue. The Cardinals underachieve as well, but their girls win points for overcoming their Midwestern handicap. They all have teeth!
Winner: Louisville
Davidson vs. Kansas
On the court, the Wildcats have been absolutely incredible. Fortunately for them, their cheerleaders are some Cinderellas of their own. Kansas, well...they’re good farm stock. Ready for harvest!
Winner: Davidson
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In real-life, lots of things are dependent on the amount of money you have, like success, happiness and prettiness. The more money in the bank, the more of those other things you’ll have. We know, it’s a harsh reality that they don’t teach in schools and only some are willing to accept. For our amusement, the people at PayScale acknowledged this fun fact!
Click the image below to see how their bracket turned out if the winners were based on the median salary of its graduates. Please note the hilarious upset between 16-seed UT Arlington and 1-seed Memphis. This is what sports is all about, baby!
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It’s been a long week between the Second Round and the Sweet 16—a long week without basketball. So we went around the office and asked everyone how they’ve been spending their time.
- Watching Western Kentucky’s buzzer-beater on YouTube on continuous loop.
- IM'ing our friends to remind them that, yes, we did indeed pick Davidson to go to the Sweet 16.
- Writing a basketball blog.
- Febreezing the couch we sat on for four straight days.
- Perfecting our Boss Button so we can keep up with games at work undetected.
- Putting off sending that check to our friends’ pool organizer.
- Brainstorming excuses for not taking the girlfriend out for dinner on Friday.
- Googling “sports bars plasma screen basketball satellite wings."
- Refreshing the online office pool score sheet.
- Not showering.
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 Things don't look pretty for these four schools, when their NCAA teams influence the in-coming freshman.
A Virginia Tech researcher has set out to prove with statistics what many admissions deans have known for decades: the better a college’s marquee sports team does in a given year, the more people apply to that school the following year. For instance, just making it to the NCAA Tournament for the first time can bump application rates one percent. The Sweet 16 can garner a school a three percent boost; the NCAA Champion averages a seven to eight percent increase the next year in applications.
That got us thinking: will a Tournament team’s performance inspire a certain type of student to apply to their school? If the answer is yes, here’s what kind of high school grads these four schools can expect to get:
Duke
How about that guy who sits at the back of the lecture hall every week, eating his fancy salad, doing the crossword puzzle, never really interested or paying attention. He relies on his IQ to breeze through the lectures and quizzes, never really bothering to study or get to know anybody. In fact, he seems downright douche-y. But come exam time, he stumbles into the final five minutes late with red Adderall eyes and a Coke (he also has to borrow a pencil from his classmate), tries to worm some answers out of the professor, stays until the exam is ripped out of his hand and barely gets by with a C minus.
Gonzaga
Expect the typical cute girl-next-door. She’s not really your type but she’s got some impressive sports knowledge and seems smart and dedicated. And for a few classes, she’ll seem really cool—until she starts answering every question (usually incorrectly).
North Carolina
Welcome, your typical crappy roommate. This is the kind of guy who walks in on move-in day, throws his bag down on the bed by the window and tells you to call him The Hammer. He goes to class sometimes—when he’s not too tired from staying up all night playing Madden ’01 and screaming obscenities at the TV screen, or lifting weights, or hanging with those same sorority girls who blew you off last weekend. The Hammer even passes most of his classes…and then becomes president of his fraternity…and then gets an incredible job at Goldman Sachs because everybody loves his personality—and his awesome fake tan.
Mississippi Valley State
If anyone’s heading to the Mississippi Delta and the miniscule town of Itta Bena for college just because they made it to the tournament one year, they’re probably playing for the basketball team. Otherwise, well, we just don’t know.
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The NCAA has this annoying rule that prohibits news channels from showing game highlights until all the games of that day are over. Why? Because the NCAA is a giant control freak. So in the meantime, a local NBC station in Raleigh, NC put on a puppet show (!!!) of how the games went. And, honestly, these might be more entertaining than the actual games.
Check out the action as they recreate Duke vs. Belmont and Mount St. Mary's vs. UNC. (Just click on the video tab.) Oh, and please note: This blog post does not mean we endorse playing with dolls. In fact, we typically strongly advise against it.
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 Did you have trouble convincing your boss to let you take two days off from work to watch the tournament? What, no Good Friday vacation at JP Morgan? We’ve got the solution for you, fresh from the Oregon Urology Institute. Rather than feigning a cough to get out of work, or sneaking peaks at sports websites all day, why not go all out and get a vasectomy? After all, what better excuse is there to sit on the couch for four straight days than recovering from that elective reproductive surgery you’ve been putting off for so long?
CNN.com reports:
"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."
A local radio station near the clinic is even willing to send a recovery kit of sports magazines and free pizza delivery vouchers for patients/fanatics willing to make the commitment Sounds like a fool-proof plan to us. But maybe you’re worried about second thoughts? Well, someone dumb enough to get their junk cut open to watch basketball once, might just be up for pulling the same stunt next year, reverse-style. And if not, the gene pool probably benefits anyway.
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