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 At last we arrive to what should be the NCAA’s final arbitrary idiocy of this year’s tournament. Check out this ad from Hooters below. By any reasonable advertising standards, it’s pretty tame. Granted, there’s a great smile, shiny skin and a sexy grip on that basketball—and the girl is pretty hot, too—but there’s nothing in this picture any worse than the short shorts and bikini tops dance teams and cheerleaders are wearing in the Final Four. The NCAA, however, has deemed it inappropriate, and banned it from the official Tournament Program. Said Hooters VP Mike McNeil:
“My understanding is the NCAA had stated they would only consider the ad if we removed the image of a Hooters Girl, which is absurd. That would be like telling General Motors you can advertise but don't show a picture of a car…Sara is a beautiful, intelligent and hard working employee, and we would never consider removing her image from the ad. I am concerned by this last-minute and seemingly arbitrary treatment. The basketball tournament is an important time for our business, and the fact that certain competitors of ours are allowed to advertise and we are not puts us at a competitive disadvantage.”
You mean people don't go to Hooters for the loud, bald, aging jerkoffs? Huh...
PS: Sara's last name is Hoots…seriously.
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 According to Billy Packer—the curmudgeon of college basketball commentators—Hillary Clinton does not have much of a chance with female voters. Apparently, Billy Packer, PhD., recently discovered this tidbit after conducting his own poll of women on the street. Combining elements of the Jay Leno's “Jay-Walking," and what must be innate statistical and political savvy, CBS reports that Packer walked up to 123 random adult females on the street and asked them if they were planning to vote for Hillary Clinton in the upcoming election. Apparently, only three women were frightened enough of the hobgoblin, er, elder statesman of college basketball to run away. Those who stayed offered only six affirmative votes for the similarly-frightening Clinton.
Ever since he realized women could, indeed, work as ticket-takers at men's basketball games, Billy's been a champion of gender equity. What's next after canvassing women voters? Demanding their right to own property? What a prince!
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 We’ve been wondering what the teams who don't make the NCAA Tournament do to pass the time in March and early April. The answer has come in the form of one Stanley Pringle, point guard for Penn State. The University’s student newspaper reports that Pringle has been charged with public masturbation—in the school’s library. Pringle has denied the charges. But according to the paper:
“Police said [Pringle] sat behind a woman in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with her and then began masturbating...The Nittany Lion guard is being charged with open lewdness and disorderly conduct....”
While we applaud Pringle’s seemingly scholarly aspirations—he was, after all, in the library—we do not condone involving innocent bystanders in such unorthodox study techniques. And couldn’t Pringle’s time be better spent in other pursuits? Penn State finished 15-16, 7-11 in the Big Ten. Seems like he's confused about which ball-handling skills need work.
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 Ok we get it: Tyler Hansbrough is incredible. The man is averaging over 23 points and 10 rebounds this season, and he’s a leading candidate for Player of the Year. If he comes back for a senior year, he will break every significant Carolina offensive record. However, if you listen to Jay Bilas, Tyler Hansbrough has the possibility to not only be the greatest college basketball player of all time, but also to possibly end the genocide in Darfur, travel through time, and lift huge boulders off of trapped hikers. A few nuggets of wisdom from the venerable college basketball analyst:
Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough’s heart exceeds his skill set, and his skill set is considerable.”
We say: For a man with a law degree from Duke University, you’d think Bilas could find a way to vary his blandishments; unfortunately, for anyone who’s been watching the tournament, you know that Bilas has uttered this exact, annoying phrase at least a dozen times since Selection Sunday.
Bilas says: “Hansbrough is never going to be out-worked. I played against Michael Jordan, and believe me, Jordan could not out-work Hansbrough.”
We say: Michael Jordan? Surely you jest! We’re talking about the man who used to fistfight his teammates in Chicago because he demanded so much effort and perfection from them. Not to mention he’s the greatest basketball player who has ever lived.
Bilas says: “Sometimes we just don’t do justice to how skilled this big man is, because all we ever discuss is his effort.”
We say: No, we think Hansbrough’s doing fine on the superlatives. He’s already had his number retired by UNC (keep in mind he’s still playing), he’s racking up Player of the Year Awards and he’s heading the All-American Team for the third straight year. We’re pretty sure he’s not getting the short end of the compliments stick.
Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough has agreed to supply nine different hospitals with sections of his enormous heart to use for transplants. With his enormous cardiac capacity, Hansbrough will save the lives of nine very fortunate children, while still retaining enough of his heart to carry North Carolina to possibly its best single season performance ever. He won’t miss even a quarter of playing time, either. That is how much heart he has.”
We say: Ok, we’re making this one up, but seriously, Bilas, enough with the worship!
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