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It’s been a long week between the Second Round and the Sweet 16—a long week without basketball. So we went around the office and asked everyone how they’ve been spending their time.
- Watching Western Kentucky’s buzzer-beater on YouTube on continuous loop.
- IM'ing our friends to remind them that, yes, we did indeed pick Davidson to go to the Sweet 16.
- Writing a basketball blog.
- Febreezing the couch we sat on for four straight days.
- Perfecting our Boss Button so we can keep up with games at work undetected.
- Putting off sending that check to our friends’ pool organizer.
- Brainstorming excuses for not taking the girlfriend out for dinner on Friday.
- Googling “sports bars plasma screen basketball satellite wings."
- Refreshing the online office pool score sheet.
- Not showering.
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Photo from WithLeather.com
Yes, Dick, the UCLA dance team is hot. And Wisconsin fans are fat and pasty. Anything else worth pointing out, Captain Obvious? Head in the game!
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 Things don't look pretty for these four schools, when their NCAA teams influence the in-coming freshman.
A Virginia Tech researcher has set out to prove with statistics what many admissions deans have known for decades: the better a college’s marquee sports team does in a given year, the more people apply to that school the following year. For instance, just making it to the NCAA Tournament for the first time can bump application rates one percent. The Sweet 16 can garner a school a three percent boost; the NCAA Champion averages a seven to eight percent increase the next year in applications.
That got us thinking: will a Tournament team’s performance inspire a certain type of student to apply to their school? If the answer is yes, here’s what kind of high school grads these four schools can expect to get:
Duke
How about that guy who sits at the back of the lecture hall every week, eating his fancy salad, doing the crossword puzzle, never really interested or paying attention. He relies on his IQ to breeze through the lectures and quizzes, never really bothering to study or get to know anybody. In fact, he seems downright douche-y. But come exam time, he stumbles into the final five minutes late with red Adderall eyes and a Coke (he also has to borrow a pencil from his classmate), tries to worm some answers out of the professor, stays until the exam is ripped out of his hand and barely gets by with a C minus.
Gonzaga
Expect the typical cute girl-next-door. She’s not really your type but she’s got some impressive sports knowledge and seems smart and dedicated. And for a few classes, she’ll seem really cool—until she starts answering every question (usually incorrectly).
North Carolina
Welcome, your typical crappy roommate. This is the kind of guy who walks in on move-in day, throws his bag down on the bed by the window and tells you to call him The Hammer. He goes to class sometimes—when he’s not too tired from staying up all night playing Madden ’01 and screaming obscenities at the TV screen, or lifting weights, or hanging with those same sorority girls who blew you off last weekend. The Hammer even passes most of his classes…and then becomes president of his fraternity…and then gets an incredible job at Goldman Sachs because everybody loves his personality—and his awesome fake tan.
Mississippi Valley State
If anyone’s heading to the Mississippi Delta and the miniscule town of Itta Bena for college just because they made it to the tournament one year, they’re probably playing for the basketball team. Otherwise, well, we just don’t know.
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The NCAA has this annoying rule that prohibits news channels from showing game highlights until all the games of that day are over. Why? Because the NCAA is a giant control freak. So in the meantime, a local NBC station in Raleigh, NC put on a puppet show (!!!) of how the games went. And, honestly, these might be more entertaining than the actual games.
Check out the action as they recreate Duke vs. Belmont and Mount St. Mary's vs. UNC. (Just click on the video tab.) Oh, and please note: This blog post does not mean we endorse playing with dolls. In fact, we typically strongly advise against it.
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 Did you have trouble convincing your boss to let you take two days off from work to watch the tournament? What, no Good Friday vacation at JP Morgan? We’ve got the solution for you, fresh from the Oregon Urology Institute. Rather than feigning a cough to get out of work, or sneaking peaks at sports websites all day, why not go all out and get a vasectomy? After all, what better excuse is there to sit on the couch for four straight days than recovering from that elective reproductive surgery you’ve been putting off for so long?
CNN.com reports:
"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."
A local radio station near the clinic is even willing to send a recovery kit of sports magazines and free pizza delivery vouchers for patients/fanatics willing to make the commitment Sounds like a fool-proof plan to us. But maybe you’re worried about second thoughts? Well, someone dumb enough to get their junk cut open to watch basketball once, might just be up for pulling the same stunt next year, reverse-style. And if not, the gene pool probably benefits anyway.
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