Every man, deep in his heart, longs to be a father, if only so he can drive a station wagon and employ the phrase “Because I said so” whenever his shaky judgment is called into question. But it’s not all lawn mowers and trips to the mall to buy more model rocket engines. Parenting, particularly in its early stages, can be daunting and even frightening, so it’s best to be prepared. And even if you’ve already cast a line or two into the gene pool, a refresher course may be in order.

Like a Vietnam vet, you’ve probably blocked out all conscious memory of the terrors you’ve endured. If you’re pondering the possibility of becoming a parent, your first question probably is “Am I ready for this?” It’s hard to know when it’s the right time to have kids.

Traditionally the woman is the first to broach the topic of planning a family, generally opening the discussion with the words “I’m pregnant.” At this point strong and conflicting emotions will jockey for position inside your feverish brain, so it’ll be important not to speak. This is one of those times when you’ll almost certainly say the wrong thing: “Is it mine?” being among the most probable candidates. Instead go for a look of awestruck emotional overload. Practice this look in the mirror. It’s going to come in handy during the next year.

Sobering Reality
Eventually you will conclude that this devastating shock is what you really wanted all along. Then you’ll be able to get on with the business of being pregnant. As a man, the first decision you’ll have to make is whether to give up drinking. Your partner will have to give up drinking, and you may experience a certain amount of pressure to join her on the wagon out of sympathy. I don’t recommend this. Staying sober for nine months exaggerates your contribution to the physical development of the fetus—i.e., none at all—and could be seen as patronizing. That might seem like skewed logic, but the guys at the bar near my office thought it made a lot of sense. Of course you feel for your partner, but remember: You’re drinking for two now.

For the most part things will seem pretty normal during the first three months, except that your mate will wake up every morning feeling as if she spent last night at a sorority initiation. Actually, this is a terrible cliché. There’s much more to pregnancy than morning sickness. There is also afternoon sickness and the little-understood evening sickness. My wife went in for a sort of 24-hour allover queasiness, which I pointed out was hardly surprising since she was eating a jar of pickled onions every day—a remark that, in hindsight, I should have kept to myself.

‘Let’s Name Her Yolanda!’
As soon as she’s physically able to, your partner will want to start fighting about names. Choosing a name is always a difficult business and the one occasion in a child’s life when it would be better not to have two parents.

Here are the ground rules: She’ll have no respect for your taste in first names, and you’ll have none for hers. Boys’ names are a particularly sensitive issue, especially since your mission is to ensure that the name chosen will in no way be a source of amusement to your son’s peers. In her present delicate mental state, your partner may easily get it into her head that Monty is a good name for a boy; so compromise won’t be an option. Brink-manship is the only strategy: If she says Monty, you say Lucky. Change your first choice every day, and make it clear your taste is rapidly drifting toward the eccentric—suggest Laars, Vince, The Bird, Selwyn, Chief, Beppe, and Ultan the Destroyer. When you both eventually settle on John, it will look as if you’re the one who gave the most ground.

Here are a few tips on naming: First, don’t squander a second favorite on a middle name—another child of the same sex could be just around the corner. I’ve got three boys, and we ended up trying to bribe the oldest to donate his middle name to his baby brother, to no avail. Second, all girls’ names have the potential to become extremely fashionable, even Wanda; so keep an open mind. Third, as hard as it is to believe, none of this will matter in a few months. Once your son has a face and a personality, you will not be able to imagine him with any name other than Roderick.

Class Warfare
At some point you’ll need to break off the argument over names to discuss prenatal classes. You will have many questions about the nature of these classes: What are they like? Are they boring? Helpful? Embarrassing? Just plain disgusting? The answer is: yes. Do you have to go? Almost certainly. So try to go to one you know other men will attend. I went to an introductory class with my wife in which I was the only man, and I was made to lie on a mat and exercise my vagina. Apparently during the coffee break, all the other mothers talked about what a brave and considerate husband I must be, but they didn’t know I was already halfway home in a cab, shuddering uncontrollably.

It’s important to have other men there because it’s important to look at other men. From birth minus nine months and counting, you’ll probably wonder whether you actually have what it takes to be a dad. One look at the collection of fidgeting, frightened clowns gathered at a typical prenatal class will give you all the confidence you need. For the first and perhaps only time in your life, you will believe that your child is lucky to have you for a father. Of course the other fathers will be thinking the same thing as they look at you, so it all works out rather neatly.

Insanity Sets In
Toward the middle of the pregnancy, you may find that sex begins to tail off somewhat, if it doesn’t disappear entirely. Some women actually experience an increase in sexual desire around this time, or so I’ve heard, but I don’t know who they are or how to get in touch with them. Anyway, it’s too late for that.

Worse than her lack of desire, however, will be the onset of the third trimester and the first telltale signs that your partner has gone stark raving mad. There are the mood swings that will cause her to cry during all commercials and laugh hysterically at ice hockey. There is the absent-mindedness that will turn her into a human screen saver for much of the day. Then there is the weird “nesting” instinct, which doesn’t resemble nesting so much as it does shopping. In the wild, the gravid female mammal rarely is seized with an instinctive urge to run out and buy a state-of-the-art bottle sterilizer and 16 pairs of baby socks. You may also discover that your partner’s absent-mindedness has a certain aggressive quality and is directed largely at you. She will lose your keys instead of hers, or force you to drive long distances to buy things she has already purchased.