F**k These Oscar Winners
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ENTERTAINMENT
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If the Academy Awards are the pillar of excellence they claim to be, how come so many hacks, frauds, and idiots walk away with a golden dildo?
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Robert Zemeckis
In 1995, Robert Zemeckis' Retard's Guide to American History (a.k.a. Forrest Gump) won Best Picture and he scored Best Director. But, hey, it's not like he beat out Robert Redford (for the smart, if flawed, Quiz Show), Woody Allen (for Bullets over Broadway, his last truly worthy film), Quentin Tarantino (for the seminal, industry-changing Pulp Fiction), and Krzysztof Kieslowski (for the legitimate work of art Three Colors: Red). Oh wait, that's exactly what happened. Suck one, Academy.
Shakespeare in Love
Knowing how Hollywood people love appearing smart, director John Madden passed off a run-of-the-mill romantic comedy as Best Picture by making one of the characters William Shakespeare. Worse, Gwyneth Paltrow took home Best Actress for playing the world's most irritating drag king, while Judi Dench won Supporting Actress for seven minutes of phoned-in face time. Next year, we're remaking Meet the Fockers with Ben Stiller in the role of Sophocles. It's like stealing Academy votes from a Down's baby...
Jennifer Hudson
We, too, have fat friends whom we wish well, but this is the Academy Awards, not American Idol. Great singer and all, but if Dreamgirls had even two consecutive minutes of actual talking, there's no way she's winning that statue. And seeing as her big Oscar follow-up is playing second burrito to Sarah Jessica Fugly in Sex and the City: The Embarrassmovie, we're guessing she'd agree.
Akiva Goldsman
Proof that not all monkeys will type out Shakespearian prose if left in front of a keyboard long enough, Goldsman is to screenwriting what Taco Bell's marketing department is to Mexican cultural heritage. And yet he has an Oscar for writing A Beautiful Mind—a movie offensive to anyone with two functioning brain cells (so, naturally, it also won Best Picture). Looks pretty sweet in his IMDB profile, next to his script for Batman & Robin.
Crash
Afraid of appearing too political (Good Night, and Good Luck), too Zionist (Munich), or too gay (Brokeback Mountain OR Capote—take your pick), the Academy pulled the shocker, giving the Best Picture Award to Paul Haggis' heavy-handed after-school racism special instead. A Home Depot presentation of paint swatches in varying skin tones would have been more compelling.
Nicole Kidman
If all you have to do is wear a fake schnoz to win an Oscar (like Kidman did for The Hours), then Michael Jackson's due a lifetime achievement award. Besides, we all know that Kidman's best performance wasn't playing a nose, but playing a beard.
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Cuba's the poster child for "This Guy Has an Oscar? Really?" His career path resembles that of a former porn actor trying desperately to go legit. How else to explain Chill Factor, Boat Trip, Rat Race, and Daddy Day Camp? Rule of thumb: If Eddie Murphy thinks he's above doing a sequel, Cuba, let Ice Cube handle it. We're betting Gooding hasn't made eye contact with his Oscar in years. And yet, there it sits…judging…always judging…
Chicago
Again, musical theater already has its own awards show. And if it doesn't, it's because musical theater is fucking awful. Bob Fosse would be shuffling in his grave right now if we knew who Bob Fosse was.
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