Beaches | Road Trips | Activities | Accessories
ULTIMATE ACTIVITIES
Build a Better Burger
Ken Callaghan, pitmaster of New York City’s Blue Smoke restaurant, brings the heat.
 3 oz. ground chuck
3 oz. ground brisket
3 oz. ground sirloin
Onion
Worcestershire sauce
Cheddar cheese
Bacon
Bun
Lettuce, onion Ketchup
1. Mix it up: “I evenly mix three ounces each of ground chuck, ground brisket, and ground sirloin into a ball,” says our pit boss. “I’ll even throw in some finely minced onion or Worcestershire sauce if I’m feeling adventurous.”
2. It’s alive: “I create a hole with my thumb right in the middle and stuff cheddar cheese in the center,” says Callaghan. “By the time you get to medium on that burger, the cheese will just start to get melty, which is a nice surprise.”
3. Make it happen: “Only grill it on a side for three to four minutes to give it a good sear, which will lock in its juices,” says Captain Hamburger.
4. Be patient: Let it sit for five minutes to allow the juices to reincorporate into the meat. Garnish and engulf!
Play the Mini Masters
Where the Green Jacket is sized youth medium.
If you crave great golfing with a soda machine always within reach, hit the Mountain Streams at Lahey Family Fun Park in Scranton, PA. This par-51 course trades typical wacky mini-golf for some of the most challenging putts ever. Carved out of Pennsylvania’s Endless Mountains, it’s got almost 35 feet of elevation changes, a huge waterfall, and fast-flowing streams. The only talking clown here will be you.
Survive the Most Grueling Music Festival
From June 12 to 15, Manchester, Tennessee will be the place to see the Raconteurs, Pearl Jam, Metallica, Kanye West, and 100 more acts. As one of its founders, Ashley Capps has been to
every second of every Bonnaroo, so use his inside knowledge to maximize your experience.
 1. Seek out the small stages.
While 80,000 sheep flock to the main stage gigs, you can witness once-in-a-lifetime mashups, like when Led Zeppelin’s John Paul Jones sat in with Ben Harper and ?uestlove last year. “Some incredible talent has performed on the smaller stages, so check out Troo Music Café, Solar Stage, and Sonic Stage,” says Capps. “You might even catch an acoustic set from acts that usually play the bigger venues.”
2. Pee smart.
If you must use a Porta-John, go to Centeroo, the festival’s 24-hour gathering hub, early in the morning—when they’ve just been cleaned. Otherwise it’s easier to just piss in a plastic jug at your campsite. But when isn’t that true?
3. Crank it...down.
It ain’t all music. “The air-conditioned cinema tent gives you a different facet of the festival,” says Capps. “This year we’re premiering some films, like the Flaming Lips’ Christmas on Mars. Or check out the ‘silent disco’ and laugh at partyers dancing to music you can’t hear.”
4. Upgrade yourself.
At $1,169 per pair, VIP tix are more than double the regular four-day passes. But you get restricted-access shower and restroom facilities, VIP lounges with drink and buffets, and exclusive viewing bleachers. Says Capps, “By the time Sunday rolls around a lot of people would pay the premium for just one shower.”
Get Busy on the Beach
Your on-shore drilling primer.
1. Invest heavily in terry cloth.
To protect your most delicate of beach-going parts from chafing, bring a big-ass towel and “keep the sex slow,” says Dr. Sadie Allison, CEO of ticklekitty.com. A vagina is no place to build a sand castle.
2. Take a firm stand.
Eliminate the sand trap altogether and do it standing against a rock or pier post. Or sit on a cooler chest with her on your lap, advises Allison. Just keep the lid closed tight or the plums may spoil.
3. Have an entrance strategy.
Pushing her bathing suit bottoms aside instead of removing them speeds up the tucking-everything-back-in process, if need be, says Tracey Cox, author of Kama Sutra. Wear a Speedo and two can play at that game!
Do the Drive-In
Savvy summer moviegoers get their reels on wheels.
|
BEST OF THE BUNCH |
Mission Tiki Drive-In
Montclair, California
The four-screen, 52-year-old mecca for drive-in lovers upgraded to IMAX-quality projection. Classic exploitation flicks, rockabilly bands, and dancing girls complete the vibe during the annual Tiki Invasion. | It’s a scientific fact that summer movies are 50 percent better when viewed at a drive-in. Under the stars and corn-dog aroma, explosions seem explodier, Will Ferrell’s flab seems more hilarious, and gaping plot holes shrink to the size of mosquito guts on the windshield.
Plus, drive-ins offer the distinct advantage of freeing you from a leg-amputating seat. Between robot battles and nude scenes, you can mix a cocktail on the trunk and talk big-block motors with the dude parked next to you. Then—back to the action! Another big plus? Double features, so you and your date can slink into the backseat and watch the second flick with your underwear around your ankles. Just try that at the multiplex. On second thought, don’t. (Find one near you at driveintheater.com)
Ride a Killer Coaster
Three ways to cheat death this summer!
 Fahrenheit
Hershey Park, Hershey, Pennsylvania
Opened May 2008
This coaster’s 97 degrees drop is the steepest in the U.S. Other features include two inverted corkscrew rolls and 85 seconds of perpetual vomiting.
Skyscraper
Cedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio
Opened May 2008
Hang from a propeller arm and get spun around at speeds of up to 55 mph. Paying for equilibrium damage is always a wise investment.
FireFall
California’s Great America, Santa Clara, California
Opened April 2008
Why endure 360-degree vertical arcs in a spinning seat while you get blasted with fire and water effects? Because nothing’s better than simulating menopause as you plummet toward cement!
Dine Dave Attell Style
Boardwalk food is more than just food, it’s pornography for your colon. They have sexy names like foot-long hot dogs and deep fried clams. But unlike porn, if your girlfriend finds out, you don’t have to move into your car. Here are a few of the comedian's favorite snacks from Atlantic City:
Pork Roll
The boardwalk is home to many games of chance, where you can spend hundreds trying to win a Flavor Flav beach towel. But if you want to really test your luck, eat a pork roll. It’s loaded with ham and cheese and left baking in the sun all day. After three bites, I like to race myself to the Porta-John. I feel like Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood. They should sell pork rolls wrapped in a new pair of pants.
Frozen Custard
There is nothing better on a hot day. It’s like eating ice cream and pudding at the same time. Just thinking about it makes my man boobs heave with delight!
Fried Oreos
This bumps dessert to a whole new level. Take an Oreo and deep fry it in cake batter until the sticky center melts into a sweet messy goo. It looks like something that comes out of a clown if you tickle him too hard. It’s so sweet, it’s like getting a lap dance from a magical unicorn as you watch Juno three times in a row. Enjoy.
Beaches | Road Trips | Activities | Accessories
|