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Liar, Liar: Phantom’s Menace	HUMOR
Nothing impresses a woman like a cool job. This month research psychologist Dr. Keith Harary shows you how to pass for a paranormal investigator.

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Play the Skeptic
So she loves the supernatural, but your only paranormal primer is Ghostbusters. No problem: Approach the field from a scientific standpoint and you’ll sound like the Special Agent Mulder 50 bajillion women have always longed for. Like The X-Files’ cult icon, Keith Harary has been surrounded by the unexplained since his youth: When he was a teenager, researchers told Harary he had psychic abilities, and he once worked on a top-secret government project called Stargate, a program that researched “psychic spies.” Today he studies “human perception” and claims of paranormal phenomena. “It’s important to say ‘claims of’ because I’ve never actually seen a ghost,” Harary says. Same goes for UFOs, little green men, and the Vampire Lestat. Says Harary, “I keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.”

Bust a Fraud
Harary has spent much of his career debunking claims of psychic ability, hauntings, and other paranormal experiences. “I was called in by one medical center after people working the late shift in their records department started reporting strange phenomena. One saw a female figure walk down a row of shelves and disappear; another took a nap and was awoken by a presence.” In the end Harary discovered the center wasn’t haunted—its overstressed work force was simply wigging out. “It’s called paranormal hysteria—one stressed person thinks he sees something, and suddenly they’re all experiencing a haunting.” It can get dangerous: Scared neighbors once tried to set fire to an allegedly haunted house Harary was investigating.

Shine Some Light on the Subject
Harary recommends a tape recorder and a video recorder for interviewing witnesses. Other tools of this trade are a Maglite flashlight to illuminate the inevitable dark spaces, a parabolic mike for picking up faint noises and ghostly whispers, an easy-to-read-while-shaking-in-your-boots digital watch with an illuminated face, and a digital thermometer for mysterious cold spots.

Spellbind Her with Psychic Babble
Ghostbuster: Totally inept paranormal investigator; believer.
Hypnagogic state: The delirious moments as you’re falling asleep; it’s in this state that people often experience visions and other unexplained phenomena.
Mental noise: The garbage that collects in your brain and distracts you when you’re trying to use your psychic abilities.
Marshmallow ghost: Apparition caused by paranormal hysteria—in other words, a thing people see because they’re wigging out.
Jim Jones character: Somebody fishing for disciples by using phony demonstrations of psychic ability and supernatural powers.

Have a Nice Paranormal Conversation
If she asks: “Do you believe in ghosts?”
You answer: “I’m not a believer per se, but I don’t deny the possibility of supernatural entities. You, for instance, are an angel.”

If she asks: “What’s the spookiest thing you’ve seen?”
You answer: “I never knew what real terror was until…No, I can’t. [Shudder dramatically] I think we need another round.”

If she asks: “Can you help me contact my dead Uncle Ray?”
You answer: “No, but do you like poets? I can put you in touch with Longfellow…”

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[1/7/2009]

CHECK OUT MAXIM'SHALLOWEEN HALL OF FAME

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HALLOWEEN HALL OF FAME