Did you have trouble convincing your boss to let you take two days off from work to watch the tournament? What, no Good Friday vacation at JP Morgan? We’ve got the solution for you, fresh from the Oregon Urology Institute. Rather than feigning a cough to get out of work, or sneaking peaks at sports websites all day, why not go all out and get a vasectomy? After all, what better excuse is there to sit on the couch for four straight days than recovering from that elective reproductive surgery you’ve been putting off for so long?

CNN.com reports:

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."

A local radio station near the clinic is even willing to send a recovery kit of sports magazines and free pizza delivery vouchers for patients/fanatics willing to make the commitment Sounds like a fool-proof plan to us. But maybe you’re worried about second thoughts? Well, someone dumb enough to get their junk cut open to watch basketball once, might just be up for pulling the same stunt next year, reverse-style. And if not, the gene pool probably benefits anyway.

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The only NCAA tournament game ESPN has the rights to broadcast went down last night, and some sex move…er, school, called Mount St. Mary’s scraped out a victory for the right to be eaten alive by Tyler Hansbrough in the first round. But you’ll see enough basketball over the next three weeks, so why not have a more exciting contest to determine who gets that elusive 64^th seed? Here are some suggestions for next year’s play-in contest.

10. Wet cheerleader-sweater contest

9. Cumulative SAT score comparison (first team to quadruple digits wins!)

8. Flip cup, best two out of three

7. Game of H-O-R-S-E

6. Easter-egg hunt

5. A football game

4. Best American Express commercial (only applies if Duke winds up in play-in game)

3. Team with the most seniors wins!

Congratulations to 60 college basketball teams!

Pissed your team didn’t make it into the tournament? Take it up with the NCAA. Oh, and these four suckhole teams that pulled a Tonya Harding on snubs like Arizona State and Ohio State, and somehow snuck in.

Team: Arizona
Record: 19-14 (8-10 PAC-10)
Let's get it straight: The Wildcats finished seventh in the PAC-10 with a .400 record. They lost eight of their last 12 games. Washington State was their only quality win since UNLV in mid-December. According to the Selection Committee, the way into the Big Dance is to sink to the bottom half of your conference, lose big games to good teams, and go down in flames when it matters most. Maybe Kansas does have a chance!

Team: St Joe’s
Record: 21-12 (9-7 Atlantic 10)
St. Joe’s is indeed a feel-good story. The Hawks came through with huge wins against Villanova and Xavier (twice), two solid tournament teams. But does the fourth place team in the Atlantic 10 really deserve a bid, when they didn’t beat anyone else worth mentioning, and furthermore crashed and burned in the final third of the season (6-7 in their last 13)? Whooping up on perennial scrubs Duquesne and St. Louis shouldn't get you into the tournament. Oh wait, St. Joe’s lost to them, too.


Team: St. Mary’s
Record: 25-6 (12-2 WCC)
The Gaels are in the tournament because they beat Gonzaga once. Period. The last team they beat was back in November when there was still an illusion that Oregon was good. They had the guts to go out and play Texas, but promptly lost by 19. A strength of schedule of 138 is not enough to put a team in the tournament unless it has some signature wins to go with it—and Gonzaga isn't the John Hancock it once was. To top off the season, St. Mary's managed to lose three of its final five games.


Team: South Alabama
Record: 26-6 (16-2 Sun Belt)
The Jags have posted an excellent record. The problem? Their schedule reads like a roadmap of desegregation. How many Southerns, Middles, Internationals, Atlantics and Norths can one team play in a year? And Presbyterian?! Isn’t there a rule against beating a religion? South Alabama beat Mississippi State—in December. But they lost to Vanderbilt the one other time they tried to play a real school, and didn’t even make it to the Sun Belt Tournament final. Bottom line: They suck, there we said it. 

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In an awesomely depressing show of support, around a whopping 200 tickets have been sold for the Boise State–Louisville game. While there’s no way to tell which side has shelled out the money, we will say this: We didn’t see any Louisville papers running headlines like “Ticket sales for NCAA sluggish among Bronco fans”. But, again, we’re not pointing fingers.

While we’re not placing blame, let’s also point out this quote from said article: “At the BSU ticket office, not a single supporter came in or called for tickets while we there.” The span of time is unknown, but we write news (news = funny jokes!) and we know real reporting (reporting = joke telling) does not just happen in two minutes.

Evidently, if it's not the Liberty Bowl, nobody's interested. The reason? Broncos fans are blaming the distance and steep ticket prices. Way to go, guys. It’s nice to know the limits to your loyalty!

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