Remember when you used to ravage entire family packs of gummy worms, bears and other glutinous wildlife? And remember how you’d then writhe in sugary agony for hours afterward, because you were 9 years old and an idiot?

Well, turns out, even if you’re a projected lottery pick in this year’s NBA draft and a star for the Memphis Tigers like Derrick Rose, you're still doing the same thing. In the midst of the Final Four, Rose went buck-wild on bags of candy and ended up missing a practice because of it. Said fellow Tigers star Chris Douglas-Roberts:

"He eats gummy bears and Starburst for breakfast, and Twizzlers and Honey Buns for dinner. That's why his stomach hurts. We tell Derrick the whole year, 'Stop eating so many gummy bears and sour straws.' But he can't... Nobody eats gummy bears more than him."

Yeah, that's fair. The rest of us lift weights, drink muscle milk, and play pick-up ball with the vigor of Wojo, and can't even finish in the top half of our fantasy leagues. Meanwhile, this guy's cleaning out his dorm’s vending machines for sustenance and has a multi-million-dollar contract waiting for him in the League.

Catch Rose playing Kansas for the NCAA title tonight. Unless Hershey's has a blow-out sale.

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It feels like Dick Vitale had hair the last time we saw a tournament game, and we’re just degenerate gamblers looking for a reason to drinking again. Can you imagine how antsy the players must be after a week long layoff? Here’s how we envision the fellas from Kansas, UCLA, UNC, and Memphis passed the time between Regional Finals and National Semifinals.

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According to Billy Packer—the curmudgeon of college basketball commentators—Hillary Clinton does not have much of a chance with female voters. Apparently, Billy Packer, PhD., recently discovered this tidbit after conducting his own poll of women on the street. Combining elements of the Jay Leno's “Jay-Walking," and what must be innate statistical and political savvy, CBS reports that Packer walked up to 123 random adult females on the street and asked them if they were planning to vote for Hillary Clinton in the upcoming election. Apparently, only three women were frightened enough of the hobgoblin, er, elder statesman of college basketball to run away. Those who stayed offered only six affirmative votes for the similarly-frightening Clinton.

Ever since he realized women could, indeed, work as ticket-takers at men's basketball games, Billy's been a champion of gender equity. What's next after canvassing women voters? Demanding their right to own property? What a prince!

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We’ve been wondering what the teams who don't make the NCAA Tournament do to pass the time in March and early April. The answer has come in the form of one Stanley Pringle, point guard for Penn State. The University’s student newspaper reports that Pringle has been charged with public masturbation—in the school’s library. Pringle has denied the charges. But according to the paper:

“Police said [Pringle] sat behind a woman in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with her and then began masturbating...The Nittany Lion guard is being charged with open lewdness and disorderly conduct....”

While we applaud Pringle’s seemingly scholarly aspirations—he was, after all, in the library—we do not condone involving innocent bystanders in such unorthodox study techniques. And couldn’t Pringle’s time be better spent in other pursuits? Penn State finished 15-16, 7-11 in the Big Ten. Seems like he's confused about which ball-handling skills need work.
 

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