What could be worse than having your collective Cinderella hearts broken in the Elite Eight by traditional power Kansas? If you’re this year’s giant-slayer, Davidson, it’s having the gentlemen of ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption mock your loss with a cruel April Fool’s Joke. Today, early-evening couch potatoes were treated to sports debaters Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser presenting a March Madness shock: Kansas and Davidson will replay the final 16 seconds of Sunday's game because of a scoring mistake that allowed a Kansas player to keep playing after he had already fouled out.

Wilbon quipped, "Now we see a situation where the mid-major is treated fairly." Kornheiser heartily argued with him for a bit, then revealed that the entire affair was a practical joke.

In the real game, Davidson fought a see-saw battle with Kansas for 40 minutes, before failing in the final seconds to find a decent shot to tie or win the game. Now they have the Bald Ones at PTI taunting them with a second chance at glory. Way to kick Davidson while their down, guys. What do you have planned for tomorrow? A day full of Britney Spears' fat jokes?

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The college mascot is the embodiment of all that a university stands for. It's a symbol of strength, of spirit, and, in many cases, of Third-World athletic department budgets. But, hey, that's the greatest strength of the Tourney, right? It's an open tent. Team No. 300 has the same shot at a championship as team No. 1. But in its willingness to invite the Martin Lawrences of college basketball alongside its Will Smiths, there's invariably going to be some hurtful laughter. Presenting Big Momma's Mascots 2008...

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The only thing more disgusting than listening to old white men talk is listening to old white men talk about sex. And thanks to the verbiage used in college hoops, the CBS commentators have been spewing the type of randy language usually reserved for Wednesday nights on Fox. As we head toward the Final Four, and three straight Nantz-Packer games, here are the well worn basketball phrases that will have us scrambling for the mute button.

Take it to the hole

Dribble penetration

Skilled ballhandler

Stroke it from deep

Double team the post

Around the rim

Backdoor cut

Put a body on your man

Pound it inside

Backcourt violation

Loose ball scramble

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Ok we get it: Tyler Hansbrough is incredible. The man is averaging over 23 points and 10 rebounds this season, and he’s a leading candidate for Player of the Year. If he comes back for a senior year, he will break every significant Carolina offensive record. However, if you listen to Jay Bilas, Tyler Hansbrough has the possibility to not only be the greatest college basketball player of all time, but also to possibly end the genocide in Darfur, travel through time, and lift huge boulders off of trapped hikers. A few nuggets of wisdom from the venerable college basketball analyst:

Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough’s heart exceeds his skill set, and his skill set is considerable.”
We say: For a man with a law degree from Duke University, you’d think Bilas could find  a way to vary his blandishments; unfortunately, for anyone who’s been watching the tournament, you know that Bilas has uttered this exact, annoying phrase at least a dozen times since Selection Sunday.

Bilas says: “Hansbrough is never going to be out-worked. I played against Michael Jordan, and believe me, Jordan could not out-work Hansbrough.”
We say: Michael Jordan? Surely you jest! We’re talking about the man who used to fistfight his teammates in Chicago because he demanded so much effort and perfection from them. Not to mention he’s the greatest basketball player who has ever lived.

Bilas says: “Sometimes we just don’t do justice to how skilled this big man is, because all we ever discuss is his effort.”
We say: No, we think Hansbrough’s doing fine on the superlatives. He’s already had his number retired by UNC (keep in mind he’s still playing), he’s racking up Player of the Year Awards and he’s heading the All-American Team for the third straight year. We’re pretty sure he’s not getting the short end of the compliments stick.

Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough has agreed to supply nine different hospitals with sections of his enormous heart to use for transplants. With his enormous cardiac capacity, Hansbrough will save the lives of nine very fortunate children, while still retaining enough of his heart to carry North Carolina to possibly its best single season performance ever. He won’t miss even a quarter of playing time, either. That is how much heart he has.”
We say: Ok, we’re making this one up, but seriously, Bilas, enough with the worship!

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It’s possible Davidson guard Stephen Curry might already be the NCAA’s Most Outstanding Player—and we’re only halfway through the tournament. Curry’s averaged over 34 points over three games so far, an offensive output unheard of since Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson averaged slightly more than 36 in 1994. He’s making the other supposed stars out there look pedestrian in comparison. Let’s compare:


-- Tyler Hansbrough has averaged just under 19 points, 1.3 assists, and 8.3 rebounds.

-- Kevin Love is averaging just under 23 points, 11 rebounds, and 5 blocks.

-- Derrick Rose, star guard for Memphis, has scored 20 points a game, dished out 5 assists and grabbed 6 rebounds.

-- Stephen Curry has averaged 34 points, 3.6 assists and 3 rebounds.


Even Lebron James is an enthusiastic witness to Curry’s brilliance. Versus Big Ten Champ Wisconsin, Curry brought King James to his feet, arms raised in the air, when he torched the Badgers for yet another three late in the second half. Flattering? Try transcendent. Said the cool Curry, “It’s very cool for him to be here.”

Speaking of “witnesses,” someone left a box full of red t-shirts in Davidson’s hotel room this weekend. They read WITNESS on the front, and DAVIDSON on the back.

Keep an eye on Stephen Curry (our new man crush!) tonight as he takes on Kansas.

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