As the US government scrambles to save the economy from a severe recession, we here at Maxim have, once again, devised a plan to save America: cancel the NCAA Tournament. No, not forever—just for a few years, until we get inflation and credit problems under control again. After all, it is reported that the US economy now loses over $1.7 billion in productivity every March and April

Rather than entertaining the masses for three weeks, here are a few examples of how we could put our basketball assets to work:

--Send Tyler Hansbrough to single-handedly rebuild New Orleans

--Promote the use of Dick Vitale as a renewable energy resource

--Send Coach K and his Dark Army of Blue Devils to find Osama Bin Laden

--Appoint Digger Phelps as Secretary of Color Coordination for the Homeless

--Elect Stephen Curry Honorary President

--Hand over all interrogation duties at Guantanamo Bay to Bobby Knight

--Order Robin Lopez to contribute to, and head, the Locks for Life Campaign

--Allow Billy Packer to make official apologies to the rest of the world for slavery, the Trail of Tears, the atomic bomb and the production of the movie Norbit.

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If you’re like us, you didn’t have Davidson winning in the Sweet 16. In fact, if you’re like us, most of your picks aren’t working out. That said, we’re ditching all forms of scientific research and stats and picking the Final Four teams based on what really matters: attractiveness!


Texas vs. Memphis
Yes, the Longhorns wear chaps when they cheer. It’s like what you wish Brokeback Mountain would have been. Memphis may have made it through Conference USA on their mediocre looks, but now they’re playing with the big boys.
Winner: Texas

UCLA vs. Xavier
If cheerleaders decided things, the Bruins would be the No. overall 1 seed, not Carolina. On the other side, Xavier's cheerleaders look exactly like what they are: chicks from Cincinnati.
Winner: UCLA

North Carolina vs. Louisville
The Tar Heels are disqualified for their obnoxious use of that pansy blue. The Cardinals underachieve as well, but their girls win points for overcoming their Midwestern handicap. They all have teeth!
Winner: Louisville

Davidson vs. Kansas
On the court, the Wildcats have been absolutely incredible. Fortunately for them, their cheerleaders are some Cinderellas of their own. Kansas, well...they’re good farm stock. Ready for harvest!
Winner: Davidson

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The Davidson Wildcats are now in the Elite Eight. At a school with just over 1,700 students, that’s kind of a big deal. And the student body knows it. Here are just a few of the perks of being a student, player or—shit, even their janitors have it good these days! 

- Last Sunday, Davidson, Davidson College, Davidson University, and Davidson Wildcats were four of the 11 most-searched terms on Google.

- Since Davidson beat Georgetown, their admissions office has had a 1,200 percent increase in transfer inquiries.

- One Wildcat received over 1,800 friend requests on Facebook this week.

- The college paid for 350 students to take seven buses to the Wildcats’ Sweet 16 Game (and watch it).

- REM acknowledged the Wildcat’s existence—and the fact that they can play ball!—on their website.

- The average daily sales at the Davidson College Bookstore before Sunday, March 23 were a meager $1,700. Sales on Wednesday, March 26 (the first day "Sweet 16" T-shirts were available): $35,000.

- The general public might actually be able to point out the school's location on a map. Actually, that's not true. We thought they were in Ohio until we Googled them, thus contributing to the first item on this list.

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In real-life, lots of things are dependent on the amount of money you have, like success, happiness and prettiness. The more money in the bank, the more of those other things you’ll have. We know, it’s a harsh reality that they don’t teach in schools and only some are willing to accept. For our amusement, the people at PayScale acknowledged this fun fact!

Click the image below to see how their bracket turned out if the winners were based on the median salary of its graduates. Please note the hilarious upset between 16-seed UT Arlington and 1-seed Memphis. This is what sports is all about, baby!

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High Definition is the greatest thing to ever happen to televised sports…and the worst thing to ever happen to sports announcers. Here are just a few of the many haunting faces we’ve been confronted with since the tourney tipped off.

The Jay Bilas “Get Your God Damned Hand Off My Arm” Face
There's a reason we all have rules about employee touching in the work place.

The Bill Raftery “Something Smells and it Might Be My Diaper” Face
“Why do they have to play these games so late…”

The Dick Vitale “Am I Really Still Talking About Teens Playing Basketball?” Face
“I should’ve gone into gynecology, baby!”

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