Things don't look pretty for these four schools, when their NCAA teams influence the in-coming freshman.

A Virginia Tech researcher has set out to prove with statistics what many admissions deans have known for decades: the better a college’s marquee sports team does in a given year, the more people apply to that school the following year.  For instance, just making it to the NCAA Tournament for the first time can bump application rates one percent. The Sweet 16 can garner a school a three percent boost; the NCAA Champion averages a seven to eight percent increase the next year in applications.

That got us thinking: will a Tournament team’s performance inspire a certain type of student to apply to their school? If the answer is yes, here’s what kind of high school grads these four schools can expect to get:

Duke
How about that guy who sits at the back of the lecture hall every week, eating his fancy salad, doing the crossword puzzle, never really interested or paying attention. He relies on his IQ to breeze through the lectures and quizzes, never really bothering to study or get to know anybody. In fact, he seems downright douche-y. But come exam time, he stumbles into the final five minutes late with red Adderall eyes and a Coke (he also has to borrow a pencil from his classmate), tries to worm some answers out of the professor, stays until the exam is ripped out of his hand and barely gets by with a C minus.

Gonzaga
Expect the typical cute girl-next-door. She’s not really your type but she’s got some impressive sports knowledge and seems smart and dedicated. And for a few classes, she’ll seem really cool—until she starts answering every question (usually incorrectly).

North Carolina
Welcome, your typical crappy roommate. This is the kind of guy who walks in on move-in day, throws his bag down on the bed by the window and tells you to call him The Hammer. He goes to class sometimes—when he’s not too tired from staying up all night playing Madden ’01 and screaming obscenities at the TV screen, or lifting weights, or hanging with those same sorority girls who blew you off last weekend. The Hammer even passes most of his classes…and then becomes president of his fraternity…and then gets an incredible job at Goldman Sachs because everybody loves his personality—and his awesome fake tan.

Mississippi Valley State
If anyone’s heading to the Mississippi Delta and the miniscule town of Itta Bena for college just because they made it to the tournament one year, they’re probably playing for the basketball team. Otherwise, well, we just don’t know.

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Check out the action as they recreate Duke vs. Belmont and Mount St. Mary's vs. UNC. (Just click on the video tab.) Oh, and please note: This blog post does not mean we endorse playing with dolls. In fact, we typically strongly advise against it.

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Did you have trouble convincing your boss to let you take two days off from work to watch the tournament? What, no Good Friday vacation at JP Morgan? We’ve got the solution for you, fresh from the Oregon Urology Institute. Rather than feigning a cough to get out of work, or sneaking peaks at sports websites all day, why not go all out and get a vasectomy? After all, what better excuse is there to sit on the couch for four straight days than recovering from that elective reproductive surgery you’ve been putting off for so long?

CNN.com reports:

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."

A local radio station near the clinic is even willing to send a recovery kit of sports magazines and free pizza delivery vouchers for patients/fanatics willing to make the commitment Sounds like a fool-proof plan to us. But maybe you’re worried about second thoughts? Well, someone dumb enough to get their junk cut open to watch basketball once, might just be up for pulling the same stunt next year, reverse-style. And if not, the gene pool probably benefits anyway.

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Christmas almost came early tonight for the Duke haters of the world (a.k.a. the world) as the Blue Devils continued their late-season pillow faceplant against the 56th-to-60th-ranked Belmont Bruins. Since 2004, when Duke lost to UConn in the Final Four, God's Devils haven’t even made it past the Sweet Sixteen. And last year, things only got worse, when Duke tanked in the First Round against Virginia Commonwealth.

Tonight, they were again out-hustled, out-executed, and yes, even (earmuffs, Dickie V) out-coached by a speedy, aggressive Belmont team. The Bruins beat the Blue Devils at the game they patented over the last quarter-century: they won a ton of loose balls, drove the lane relentlessly, and out-shot their opponent from the arc.

The moral of the story: maybe Duke’s naysayers are right. Not that it needs to be said, but the Devils deserved to lose tonight. If we’re the psychics we keep telling you we are (now aren't you pissed you didn't sell Bear Stearns like we suggested?), we’re guessing you’ll see a post on Saturday titled "Duke's Poop: Part II."

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Quick quiz: What does "MVSU" stand for? (Hint: They're playing today.)

If you don't know, don't be ashamed. A quick poll of everyone in my AIM buddy list who should know better didn't return a single correct answer. And that's because MVSU is the least covered team in the tournament, according to a cursory, totally-scientific search of Google News.

With just 441 news search results from the entire Innernet, MVSU barely beat out Belmont, which returned 469 results. (Quick quiz: where's Belmont?)

North Carolina, by contrast, returned 9,031 results. Hell, try to look up MVSU in Google Image Search, and it asks "Did you mean: MSU?"

By the way, the answer is Mississippi Valley State University. Jerry Rice went there. You should be ashamed of yourself.

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