Moscow Clubs are Like Our Late-Night Cinemax Movies

For better or worse, we've seen our fair share of clubs here in New York City. Not that we're big fans of the whole oomph-oomph music scene and snotty table-service crowd, but sometimes exploring such swanky realms is a must for any serious men's lifestyle reporters paid in booze rather than hard cash. That said, we've never seen anything quite like Moscow's ultra-exclusive mega club, The Soho Rooms. Located on the banks of the Savvinskaya River, The Soho Rooms are a mob scene even before you make it inside, and had it not been for the VIP status that accompanies rolling with The Russian Standard Vodka crew, we'd have never made it past the throngs of eager clubbers, Russian rappers, idling Ferraris and KGB-esque doorman.

Boy were we glad we did. Once inside, and following a brief moment of panic after getting lost in the club's labyrinthine hallways, we discovered that The Soho Rooms opens onto a massive dance floor with vaulted ceilings, where lithe ladies gyrate to pulsing house beats and flash you intimidating looks each time the strobe light catches their model-looking mugs. Sounds like your typical club, eh? Then consider this: So leggy were these fine specimens (who outnumber dudes five-to-one) that we felt like we were in Manhattan's skyscraper-flanked canyons, if only our urban Mecca moved en masse with enough hot moves to melt Siberia. No sooner had we hit the main floor, however, and we were whisked upstairs to Russian billionaire and RSV-owner Rustam Tariko's vip room, a balcony perched prominently over all of the action like an eagle's nest. Muahahaha, excellent. From there it was a night of table service (sure beats the brown bagging we're used to), ogling from on high and vodka swilling... that is, until the live (and unannounced we might add) sex show erupted on the floor below, causing many a Maxim editor to drop his drink in disbelief. Playful lingerie humping in the middle of the dance floor? Check. Disrobing of said sexy lingerie? Check. Full on lesbian action? Check. We'd go into greater detail if this was a porn site, but it's not, so get your minds out of the gutter.

Thankfully our minds were pulled out of the gutter (barely) when our Moldovan friend Irina showed up and dragged us to The Soho Rooms' roof terrace for some traditional Russian tunes, another bottle-serviced table and, yup, you guessed it, more sexy ladies. We finally left at 6:30 AM with the party still in full effect.

They'll taser you if you try to dance with her. Yep, her too. Apparently we weren’t the only ones mesmerized by the sweat dripping down her torso.

This live sex show seemed to magically appear out of nowhere… …good thing we had a bird’s eye view!   The closest we got to making out? Watching Russian chicks suck face.

Any taller and those lasers woulda taken her head clean off. In Soho Rooms, these girls are considered fives.   What? You thought we were only going to feature one picture of her?

We get uncomfortable talking to any girls not gyrating on a stage or in a cage. Yep, that's more like it.