For those of you not currently attending high school or working in NASA office services, and lack access to persecutable nerds on a daily basis, the comic book industry stages regional conventions where you can see all the fat versions of your favorite fictional characters.

New York Comic Con was no exception, showcasing only the most ample of future college campus gunmen flossing their muffin-topped costumes like pimps at a players ball. There was Fat Colossus, Awkward-Fitting Cobra Commander, and Dumpy Slave Leia among countless others, all united under the banner of involuntary celibacy.

We would have vigorously applied wedgies, noogies, and whirly bowls to these socially-mutated permavirgins, but our Master Chief armor was far too restrictive.

In addition to the release of new details about the upcoming Hulk and Indiana Jones movies came the announcement of Blue Beetle as new spokesballs for Dasani water.

Two costumes in one, this getup deftly fuses both Princess Leia in slave regalia with her captor, Jabba the Hutt.

This comic book's title made us titter like 12-year-old idiots.

Adults who failed to progess beyond childhood beaten by actual child.

This guy was here by himself, giving one the impression that he was already dressed like that when he passed by the Javitts Center and noticed a comic book convention going on.

From the collection of famed Japanese toy designer Whogivesashitsu. Goddammit, the Japanese are weird.

This was the Skid Row section of the convention floor. We didn't make eye contact.

Evidently, this is where the dorks hatch.

"Hey, sailor!"

Much like porn stars, superheroes from the '70s didn't have to be in any particular shape.

You would never see an awesome product like this marketed to children today. We are such pussies.

Early screen tests evidently had the role of the Joker in the upcoming Batman movie played by Phyllis Diller.