The Least Believable Movie Soldiers
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ENTERTAINMENT
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If you plan on going to war with these siss-cadets, you'd better watch your foxhole.
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Peter Sarsgaard in Jarhead
We know the first Gulf War wasn't the most backbreaking engagement in U.S. military history, but do we have to rub it in by suggesting that the anal queen from Kinsey could have been an elite Marine sniper?
Defining moment: Sarsgaard's character literally cries when a superior officer prohibits him from shooting an Iraqi officer. War is hell.
Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbor
He couldn't even do a realistic job of feigning surprise at the most infamous sneak attack in U.S. history. But, hey, what matters here amid this horrible tragedy is whether he or Josh Hartnett gets to bang Kate Beckinsale.
Defining moment: Affleck gets bombed with his buddy Hartnett, then the two pass out in a convertible as the Japanese attack begins.
Michael J. Fox in Casualties of War
We don't care if he was the film's moral center or not: Alex P. Keaton defending freedom in Vietnam is about as realistic as Alex P. Keaton voting Hillary in November.
Defining moment: A sniveling MJF takes issue with his squad kidnapping a Vietnamese girl to be its sex slave. Does that sound like a man cut out for The Crap?
Orlando Bloom in Black Hawk Down
We realize he falls out of a helicopter and dies before the action even starts, but any man who could be out-testosteroned by Jack Sparrow shouldn't have been there in the first place.
Defining moment: At least his accident forces everyone to go back and get him. What could possibly go wrong?
Forrest Gump in Forrest Gump
This hero of the Vietnam War got shot in the ass the moment bullets started flying. Eh, guess he would have made a believable Kuwaiti soldier.
Defining moment: Forrest spends the whole war loyally writing to a girl who won't sleep with him until after she has AIDS.
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