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Ask Bill Burr: On Psycho Exes (And Shooting Alexander Hamilton)

Every week, comedian Bill Burr does his best to solve your problems. Although you may not always like his solutions... 

QUESTION:

Mr. Burr, my ex girlfriend is insane. She is like the bastard child of Charlie Sheen and Courtney Love. She left me for a banjo playing, hillbilly butch lesbian (I am a lesbian myself but I actually conduct myself like the woman I am). My issue is that she won't leave me alone, she harasses me constantly, stalks me and won't stop calling, saying she still loves me and wants to be friends. I am over it. How do I get rid of her? Help me please.
Much love,
Diana

ANSWER:

Rule number 1 of getting rid of a psycho ex is you have to completely cut that person out of your life. You mentioned in your e-mail that your ex keeps telling you that she “loves you.” There’s no way for her to do that if you don’t pick up the phone when she calls. If this person comes to your apartment, get a restraining order. In the mean time, find new places to hang out or get some new friends. Whatever you gotta do. Just stay away from where you might run into this person. Psychos are like barnacles: Eventually she’ll latch on to someone else, make her life a living hell, and you’ll be home free. However, if you want to kill two birds with one stone, introduce that maniac to someone you don’t like and let both them spiral out of your life. It’s like in that movie The Ring. Get someone else to watch the tape, and then you’re fine. Good luck!

BONUS QUESTION:

Why did your ancestor kill Alexander Hamilton? He was just trying to make the country better.

ANSWER:

Aaron Burr had a duel with Alexander Hamilton: He didn’t sneak up on him and shoot him in the back of the head, so I don’t know what all the outrage is about. That duel was a lot like the Mayweather/Ortiz fight. Everybody got upset that a guy who agreed to have a boxing match got punched in the face. When the ref says “fight”, get your hands up. When the guy with the powdered wig drops his hanky, raise your pistol. You don’t just stand there and try to give out hugs and kisses while you explain your position. Not to mention, it kind of worked out in the end for Hamilton. Everybody seems to love the guy because of what he MIGHT have done. That’s the great thing about dying young: No one ever predicts that if you lived, you would have ended up being a douche. So I think Alex actually owes Aaron Burr a note of thanks.

Got a problem that only a brutally honest answer from Bill will solve? Email it to win@maxim.com with "Bill Burr" in the subject line.