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Ask Bill Burr: On Sister-Hating Girlfriends And Excessive Self-Love

Every week, comedian Bill Burr does his best to solve your problems. Although you may not always like his solutions... 

Check out Bill on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon this Monday, October 31st!

QUESTION:

Dear Bill,
What do you do if your girlfriend hates your sister?
Andrew R.

ANSWER:

Well, it all depends on whether or not your sister is a c***. If she is, you have to side with your girlfriend. If she isn’t, then ask your girlfriend why she doesn’t like your sister. If she gives you some petty bullshit answer, then dump her: She’s probably a psycho and is trying to wall you off from your loved ones. But if she just doesn’t vibe with your sister and you want to continue seeing her, tell her that she doesn’t have to be friends with your sister, but she does need to be nice to her. After that, there’s nothing you can do. One last thing: If your girlfriend ever talks shit about your sister, NEVER repeat it to anyone. Trust me. If it gets back to your sister and you end up marrying this girl, you’ll be setting yourself up for a good 20 years of awkward Christmases.

BONUS QUESTION:

What does it mean if you jack off 4-7 times a day?
Nathan S.

ANSWER:

I’d have to say it means you’re kind of fucked up. Even if you’re 18 years old, seven times a day is a lot. You sound really frustrated and I think you should talk to a trained professional. In the meantime, make sure you have a proper lubricant and plenty of socks. Good luck!

Got a problem that only a brutally honest answer from Bill will solve? Email it to win@maxim.com with "Bill Burr" in the subject line.