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Valentine’s Day Cocktails for the Lonely

Because your drink will never call you an “insufferable mama’s boy.”

Spending your Valentine’s Day alone doesn’t mean you have to wallow. Mix yourself up a couple delicious cupid-flavor concoctions (to be enjoyed responsibly, of course) and relax; just make sure to follow these instructions to a T.


Cupid’s Bow
4 oz Belvedere Vodka
½ oz Simple Syrup
1 oz Lemon Juice
12 Raspberries
2 Dashes Egg White

Shake vigorously and strain into two chilled martini glasses. Garnish with a raspberry. Drink one while pouring the other down the drain; like that awful shrew did with all the love that you gave her. She doesn’t deserve you, you handsome son of a bitch.


Raspberry White Chocolate Truffle
3 oz Van Gogh Raspberry Vodka
1 oz White chocolate Godiva
3 oz White crème de Cocoa
1 ½ oz Raspberry Liqueur
6 Raspberries

Place Raspberries into the bottom of two martini glasses. Combine liquid ingredients in a shaker and shake over ice. Strain into glasses. Drink one and then throw the other one at a photo of you in happier times. Go to a romantic restaurant and tell all the couples what life is really like. Demand the bartender make you another “chocolate-fruit something or other.”


Lord Panama
4 oz Ron Abuelo 7 Años
10 oz lightly sweetened iced tea
Lime wedge

Split the Abuelo over ice in two highball glasses then fill with iced tea. Squeeze in a lime wedge. Stir to mix. Drink both in rapid succession and then leave a sobbing message on her answering machine. Call back but throw your phone against the wall before you say anything. That’ll show her.

Girls in Red
The Supervillain Valentine's Gift Guide