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Fashions of the Future (If We Believe Movies)

Are we really destined to spend the next millennium in unitards?

Before we begin, a simple rule: these movies are all movies that are still in our future: that means no Time Cop (that was supposed to be 2004, along with Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome) no Clockwork Orange (it was set in 1995) and no 2001 (we forget what year that was supposed to be). Right, are you sitting comfortably? We hope so, because if these movies are anything to go by, no one’s going to be comfortable doing anything for the rest of time…

The Running Man – 2017
If there is one thing TV and movies have taught us, it’s that, in the future, we will fricking love us some unitards. Just why full-body stretchy pants is the go-to fashion choice for fictional future-people everywhere is never really explained (unless they’ve eliminated the need for going to the bathroom, which is the only possible explanation for adult onesies gaining a style foothold), but they’re making an early entry on this list, popping up just seven years away. Now, if your first thought upon gazing at the bulging, veiny mass of human oak tree that is Arnold Schwarzenegger is, “That’s good, but it would look better in lemon spandex”, then congratulations, you’re qualified to be a professional wardrobe consultant. Arnie and co rock the unitard in possibly the least appropriate of all scenarios: fighting costumed bounty hunters in a lethal game show, at the same time as trying to start a revolution and totally bone some chick who’s only there trying not to be murdered because he kidnapped her in the first place (girls dig that approach, right?) We’re not saying that this style isn’t definitely going to happen, we’re just saying that if we ever have to fight themed gladiators in public, we should at least be able to look slightly less stupid than this guy.

The Terminator
– 2029
In the robot-ravaged year of 2029, grunge appears to be very much back in fashion, with gaunt physiques, angular cheekbones and torn, baggy clothing accessorized with appropriated military garb all making a strong showing. It could be there just to accentuate the desperate conditions of the remaining survivors, but what this really tells us is that it’s going to take the near-total destruction of the entire human race to ever make Seattle cool again.

The Fifth Element - 2263

The one style lesson to be learned from this movie is, “Never let a Frenchman dress Bruce Willis.” On the other hand, what we learn is, “Always, always, always let a Frenchman dress Milla Jovovich. Oh, and air stewardesses.” Honestly, we’re not really sure what to say about this movie’s take on fashion beyond expressing relief that the fat guy with the moles who works in our basement will be long dead by 2263.

Logan’s Run
– 2274

Aaand the one-pieces are back, this time with a strange turtleneck effect that somehow makes them even more undignified. The only function of the outfit here is to re-enforce the movie’s central conceit – that everyone who reaches the age of 30 is immediately killed – because frankly, you don’t want to see anyone over the age of 29 in a unitard (we’re looking at you, Jim Carrey).

Serenity
– 2517

In a refreshing break from spandex and French fetish wear, the world of Serenity rocks a kind of steampunk cowboy look which, out of everything on this list so far, is the only one we could really get behind. Which, considering we’ve mostly just been talking about unitards, is not saying much. Now, ordinarily, if you considered wearing cowboy boots outside of the South, we’d have to call you a douche (that includes you, douche that trod on our foot on the subway this morning in your big douchey gator-skin boots and left a big douche-print on our sneakers), but screw it, if you’re rocking them on a spaceship, that probably qualifies as awesome.

WALL-E – 2645
Sigh. Once again, the people of the far future are wearing – ta-da! – fricking unitards. We are not going to say any more about fricking unitards. 

Barbarella
– c.4000
Now we’re talking. This entire movie was one long excuse to have Jane Fonda in her smoking hot prime, prancing about the universe in a series of increasingly (and occasionally, confusingly) hot outfits. Somewhere between a bondage queen, a moon-warrior and a sexy device for keeping your sandwiches moist, this is what we’re hoping the women of the future look like. Of course, the downside is that men don’t get to look too stylish. You’re either a mad scientist in robes and shoulder pads, a leather-caped gimp or, well, Hawkman in Pampers. Still, it’s probably worth dressing like that if the women are all like Barbarella. And the one great thing you can really appreciate about this movie that there are absolutely no fricking unitard – oh Goddamn it!