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Groom To Get Laid

                        

Chop It
The first thing women check out is your smile and choppers (shoes are second), according to dozens of studies on first encounters. If your chiclets are clean and gleaming she'll imagine kissing you. Sport yellow choppers, and she'll imagine emotionally face kicking you. Do this: Brush (duh), and every six months use strips (we like Crest).

Lather Her Up

Make your soap work harder for you by stealing some tricks from the (albeit quasi-quacky) world of aromatherapy. Black pepper scent supposedly increases circulation and boosts endurance. So, if you suds up pre-date with Molton Brown Black Pepper wash, you'll increase blood flow to her you know what (that's good, junior) and potentially increase your stamina — to three minutes!

Nail Her 
When she sees scuzzy, unkempt nails, do you think she wants your mits all over her?  We don¹t care if you tar roofs for a living, take 10 minutes and cut and clean under your claws. Same goes for flip flops, Frodo. She will see your nasty ass toes and assume your taint smells like a left-out-in-the-rain sock. There. We said it.

Put The Lotion In The Basket
OK. Lotion. We know what you use it for, perv. But employ it for its intended purpose, and it'll help you score repeat sessions with an actual (not virtual) girl. Rough, scratchy skin is not what she wants climbing atop her, so smooth it out with the uber-manly Jack Black's Cool Moisture. This body butter smells awesome and will give you supple-ass skin she'll long to paw.