The Scraggy Beard
Nothing says, “My parents pay my rent, but I resent them for it” like a fully-fledged rash of face fungus, sprawling up the neck and across the chin like a sickly possum, creeping patchily across the cheeks and billowing softly in the wind like an old man’s pubes in the YMCA locker room.
How to get across three seemingly disparate concepts – your hopeless nostalgia for children’s toys; your sneering disdain for all fashion trends past 1986; and your all-consuming need to have people point at you with pity in their eyes – in one simple style? Neon. Bright, colorful and friendly-looking, it’s the perfect ironic counterpoint to the edgy person beneath (if you don’t really understand how irony works, at least).
There are two people in the world who would look good in a headband: a post-game, sexily sweaty Anna Kournikova, and Anna Kournikova’s reflection. It doesn’t matter how many tats, retro rucksacks and packs of Parliaments you accessorize them with, any guy wearing a headband is an instant Douchey McGee.
Fixed-gear bikes (especially with a basket)
What exactly is the obsession with “fixies”, anyway? Do sweat stains on your crotch make you hipper? Because if that’s the case, the obese dude who sits in the park by our office all day eating cheese out of a bag and swearing at pigeons has to be the hippest guy we know.
Anything from American Apparel
Is it all one very striking color that doesn’t particularly match the type of garment it’s paired with? Is it two sizes too small? Does it make you look like a creepy acrobat on your day off? Then it’s for you, my hipster friend!