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Andrew Dice Clay Talks Dirty (Of Course)

After a 17-year break from televised stand-up, foul-mouthed funnyman Andrew Dice Clay is back with “Indestructible,” a new comedy special hitting Showtime’s airwaves on New Year’s Eve. Never one to keep his mouth shut, Dice Clay sounded off on everything we asked him…

“Indestructible” has tons of new material - what can old-school Dice fans look forward to?
It’s the same voice. I’m never going to change who I am as a performer or a comic - I don’t pay much attention to political correctness, but that’s why people come to see me.

Have you had any annoying hecklers lately?
The other night in Vegas there was a guy yelling incoherent shit at me from the back of the room. He told me he’d kick my ass. I told him to bring it on - I think security threw him down an escalator. I got a lot of people watching my back, trust me.

Do people bother you offstage, too?
I have fans come up to me and if they’re cool with me, I’m cool with them. But if they cross that personal space and try to show how macho they are, they get what’s coming. I don’t back down. Not like I can’t get my ass kicked, but I’m not fearful in that way.

Your sons are in a band, LA Rocks. Can you play an instrument?
I started off on the drums and I was decent. I was into the jazz world as a kid. Buddy Rich was it. To this day, the greatest drummer in the world is Buddy Rich.

You’re in a new Woody Allen movie. That seems like kind of an odd pairing…
That’s what I thought when I got the call. I thought my manager was messing with me. I love Woody’s work, but I didn’t think he’d get me. He’s an incredible filmmaker.

Did you two have a shared Brooklyn connection?
Definitely. He happens to be a very cool guy, laid-back, knows his stuff. You’d never think we’d hit it off but he digs my comedy and to hear that from him is pretty incredible.

Who were some comedians that you followed growing up?
I was more into performers, not comics. I was inspired by rock legends like Elvis, The Beatles, and Led Zeppelin. I noticed that a lot of comics didn’t really understand performance. To stay in the business, I tried to develop myself as the most exciting comic ever. I would be so bored standing there in a suit and tie telling jokes and looking like an accountant.

What’s pissing you off right now?
Communication between people. When you’re with people at a party or social event and all they’re doing is checking their phone, it’s like, shut the fucking thing off! Go bang your chick in a bedroom somewhere. That’s a party to me.

Is there anything making you especially happy right now?
My life. My goal was just to raise two really great sons and have them not be assholes. They rock like crazy onstage, but they’re two of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. A lot of kids aren’t raised right. Not that I’m the number one parent, but at least I put the time in.

What do you think Americans need right now?
I think they need to start having more fun. People are always stressing about money but everyone knows you can’t take it with you. Everyone needs to relax and chill out. People need to stop obsessing so much about celebrities and focus on their own lives.

AND NOW: THE SAME 10 QUESTIONS WE ALWAYS ASK EVERYONE!

What was the last thing you had to apologize for?
I played Blackjack the other day after telling my wife I wouldn’t. I’m capable of winning a lot and also of losing a lot. I got in some trouble for that.

What’s your favorite curse word?
The other day I heard a girl say she really made a guy splooge. Splooge! How filthy is that? To me, it’s hysterical.

What’s the worst hangover you’ve ever had?
I’m not much of a drinker. I’d rather smoke weed - if I have one drink, I’m gone. I don’t smoke when I’m out or anything, it’s more of a sleeping pill for me. It chills me out.

What was your first car?
A Pontiac Catalina. I got it for like 300 bucks. Then I had a Pontiac Lemans. Now I drive a Dodge Challenger. I live in Hollywood and I didn’t want to show up to meetings with a Mercedes AMG. It’s so cliché. I found the Challenger - I love that car.

Do you have a scar that tells a story?
Yeah, I do, but that’s a story I’m saving for my autobiography.

Do you have any party tricks?
Like card tricks and shit? No, not really. I really don’t.

What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?
A fat girl’s box.

What’s the one thing to remember in a fist fight?
Most people who mess with you don’t know what getting punched in the face is like. Once you’ve been punched in the face and know what it feels like, you chill out. There’s no reason to fuck with anybody, because you never know what someone is going through.

Who was the last person to see you naked?
My wife, a few hours ago. My wife is younger than me and she keeps me feeling young.

Finish this sentence: If I ruled the world for a day, I would…
Make everybody shut off their fucking phones. I can’t take it anymore. It’s just too much.

“Indestructible” premieres on Showtime at 10 pm on Monday, December 31. For more information about the Dice man, check out andrewdiceclayofficial.com

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