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Interview with Comedian Andrew Dice Clay

The nursery-rhyme-spewing bad-boy comic is guest-starring on Entourage…and has one last day.


So how do you want to go?
Let’s start with a blonde on one side and a brunette on the other. Eh, and we’ll put a redhead in between. Why not go action-packed?

On Entourage you’re gonna be playing yourself. Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life?
James Franco could play me from 30 to 45, and then we’d let John Travolta take over.

And who would you cast in that Ford Fairlane sequel?
I’d get somebody new, because a new actress on a set will do just about anything. Between scenes she could rub my feet and my back. She won’t realize until her third movie, “Oh, I didn’t have to do that.”

When you were on Celebrity Apprentice, you were the first person to be fired. Do you have any last words for the Donald?
“Thank you,” because I couldn’t take getting up at 5:30 in the morning.

You’ve been accused of sexism. Are you really against women?
I’d like to line up about 400 of ’em. This way people will say the only thing he has against women is his nuts and cock.

What’s your last meal?
Forget the food—it’s all about fucking.

What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?
I bang with the shorts on. I wouldn’t call that that wild, but I can’t really say the wildest thing I’ve ever done, because if I did everybody else in the country would go, “Why is he even living?”

Write your epitaph.
“This guy could fuck in his sleep.”

Of all the Mother Goose characters you’ve rhymed about, who do you think would be talking the most shit about you over your coffin?
Little Boy Blue, because maybe he wasn’t gay. He’d say, “I’m not gay…really!” And the rest of them will look at him like, “Yeah, sure. You sucked dick to make $45 as an extra on The Expendables.”

You’ve been accused of sexism. Are you really against women?
I’d like to line up about 400 of ’em. This way people will say the only thing he has against women is his nuts and cock.

If you were going to resume your bouncer role from Pretty in Pink, except at the gates of heaven, who would you not allow in?
Martin Sheen, for not knowing how to shut his own fucking kid up. He should give Charlie a smack in the mouth and say, “Stop this fucking nonsense, asshole!”

What’s one more thing you’d like to do in your career before kicking the bucket?
A sequel to Ford Fairlane—I think the fans would love it. But I’d want to get more pussy in this one. We’d need a leading lady who lets her tits hang out a little.

Are you going to heaven or hell?
Definitely heaven. I made millions of people laugh, and now it’s time to take it easy.