February 26, 2013
A polite chat with the queen of nice about fat celebs, skid marks, and red carpet prep.
Photo by Charles William Bush
You are the first woman to be Maxim’s Icon. What do you think about that?
I think that straight guys have lowered their standards. That’s what I think.
Have you ever had a bad run-in with a celebrity you trashed on Fashion Police?
Christina Aguilera! Because I called her fat on the show. I saw her in a restaurant. She walked across the restaurant, and I thought she was really going to give it to me. She looked down at my plate and said, “Are you gonna finish that?”
Has anyone ever thanked you for setting them straight after a good trashing?
Yes! Ke$ha! She said to me, “I don’t care what you say about me. I love hearing you talk about me.” Julia Roberts said to me, “Say it to my face.” Those are the ones that you love. The smart ones get that it’s all just funny and silly, so calm down.
How do you prepare for red carpet season? Do you have a training regimen?
I just collect hundreds of pictures of Helena Bonham Carter and then don’t wear anything she’s got on.
Give us a little style advice. What article of clothing should every man throw out?
Anything with skid marks—that’s really disgusting.
Was there any moment on your reality show, Joan & Melissa, that made you cringe when you saw it?
Season 2, when my ass hit the bottom of the hot tub before my feet. I still cringe!
Do you expect to see Johnny Carson in the afterlife? What will you say to him?
Actually, no, because I will be in heaven.
Which late-night hosts do you like and not like so much?
I like the ones that put me on. I could say I don’t like Leno, but I never watch him. I’ve never heard him say anything clever. It’s true! “Oh! Did you hear what Leno said last night?!” You never hear people say that! Also, Leno has never put me on. He’s never invited me on in 21 years.
What do you require in your dressing room at gigs?
An undertaker, an embalmer, and a plastic surgeon. All on call.
Are the Academy Awards as long and boring in person as they are on TV?
[Snores] What did you say?! It’s longer than Lindsay Lohan’s rap sheet.
You won Season 2 of Celebrity Apprentice.
Some people think Donald Trump is a complete ass. Are you a fan of his?
Huge! Don’t ever underestimate him. I can’t even do a joke about him. So smart, so smart, so smart. He sold me the Brooklyn Bridge, and I’m still happy about it. He’s a genius showman. He’s in the category of P. T. Barnum.
When is too young for plastic surgery?
No such thing. Which would you rather pick up: a pretty baby or an ugly baby? Nobody likes baby fat!
Do you have a signature move in the bedroom?
Yes, yes. I always hold the gun to the guy’s right temple. I’m known for that.
What is a mistake most guys make when it comes to sex?
Being unable to tell a real woman from a pre-op tranny. That hurts.
Do you have a favorite word?
Fuck. It’s such a great word because it’s an adjective, a verb, and a noun, and it’s easy to spell. It’s not like pneumonia, where you have to figure it out.
Any advice for young comics?
My advice to really good comics is this: “Get the fuck out of the business till I’m dead, because you’re taking bread out of my mouth.”
What is the oddest gift you’ve ever received from one of your fans, the Joan Rangers?
A cold sore.
Do you have groupies trying to get backstage at your shows?