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5 Gadgets That Will Turn You Into A (Terrible) Superhero

Sorry, no Iron Man suit here. Instead, we present the power of disco.

Everybody wants super powers, and technology is advancing to the point where the cool powers like walking on walls or having a suit of powered armor are not far from being a reality. But did you know that there are also gadgets out there that can turn you into a real life superhero – or supervillain - right now? It’s true! So long as you don’t mind having the crappiest super powers ever, of course. 

The Hero: Dazzler

Photo Courtesy of Marvel Comics

You may remember Dazzler as the X-Man that even the hairy blue guy is embarrassed to be seen with. Straight out of the '70s, Dazzler was a disco queen with the ability to turn sound vibrations into a light-show that would “dazzle” her enemies... in other words, exactly the same superpower as a halfway competent DJ.

The Gadget: The LED Incapacitator

This thing uses LED technology to incapacitate its victims, meaning that it straight-away steps up to Dazzler in the “obvious name” stakes. However, the bright flashing light not only dazzles its target, but can also induce a feeling of nausea and disorientation, which is exactly two more super powers than the actual superhero has. Break out your leisure-suit and plug in one of these babies, and you’re well on your way to beating the funk out of crime.

The Villain: Toad

Photo Courtesy of Marvel Comics

Probably the weakest member of Magneto’s Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Toad really only has two super powers: Being unattractive, and jumping. This makes him the Joakim Noah of the supervillain world.

The Gadget: Powerizer Stilts

We can’t help you with becoming unattractive - you’ll have to work that out for yourself. As for super jumping, if you want to get the drop on the bad guys and you don’t care much about inevitably breaking your ankles, then why not attach yourself to a pair of Powerizer Stilts? Enemies are much easier to apprehend when they’re in a helpless fit of the giggles, after all.

The Hero: Banshee

Photo Courtesy of Marvel Comics

Irish mutant Banshee is the superhero who emits a high-pitched scream when faced with danger, which you might recognize as the favored combat tactic of a pre-pubescent girl. With a name that literally translates into “Fairy Woman,” Banshee at least gains some credibility by being able to defeat opponents with the powerful concussive blasts caused by his screams.

The Gadget: Non-Lethal Sound Weaponry

The Hi-Fi geeks among you shouldn’t have too much trouble rigging up a sonic weapon. It may not be able to fire concussive blasts, but by phasing and modulating sound waves, it can stop an assailant in his tracks from up to 25 feet away. You’ll be the scourge of the criminal underworld - provided that said underworld isn’t equipped with ear plugs. Increase the effectiveness of your sonic weapon by playing Rebecca Black’s discography on an endless loop.

The Villain: Paste Pot Pete

Photo Courtesy of Marvel Comics

With so many super villains in the comic book world, it takes some real imagination to come up with the least intimidating bad guy ever, so due credit must go to Paste Pot Pete, a man who stole his name from a glue-sniffing hobo and uses quick-drying adhesive as a weapon.

The Gadget: Sticky Foam

If you’ve got enough self-esteem issues that you want to emulate Paste Pot Pete, then don’t worry - the military is way ahead of you. This specially developed sticky foam is what happens when you let your 8-year-old nephew into the Navy’s R&D department. It’s supposed to literally stop your enemies in their tracks, but it seems like a quick coating of Vaseline might solve that problem. Although to be honest, a quick coating of Vaseline tends to solve most of our problems…

The Hero: Bouncing Boy

Photo Courtesy of DC Comics

Representing that rare breed of overweight superheroes, Bouncing Boy fought the good fight with class and dignity by utilizing his special ability to inflate like a ball. Thankfully, Bouncing Boy’s power leant him a degree of invulnerability to physical harm, although with powers so inviting of ridicule, invulnerability against emotional harm may have been more useful.

The Gadget: Zorb

If you’re the kind of guy who likes to set the bar low and emulate Bouncing Boy, then get yourself a Zorb. Protected by an inflatable bubble, you’ll be able to smash your way through your likely bewildered enemies. Just make sure you watch out for Bouncing Boy’s weakness, which would be anything with a sharp edge, really.

Check out The Toughest Guys Who Wear Yellow and 10 Superheroes Who Don't Have Their Shit Together
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