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3pm
Finally arrive at Comic Con five hours late (thanks, American Airlines!) Immediately run into man dressed as Judge Dredd, who enthusiastically tells me how much he’s come to hate Judge Dredd since spending the day dressed as him.

3:10pm
Encounter a woman dressed as Baroness from G.I. Joe. She has large, hollow plastic boobs glued to the front of her costume and generally seems very angry about the whole thing.

3:15pm
A man rummaging through a bucket of toys turns, stares at me and says, quietly, “You’re not my friend”, before erupting in scary, high-pitched laughter. I decide to make a quiet exit through a stall filled with hats shaped like animal heads.

3:17pm
Two paramedics try to squeeze past with a stretcher laden with supplies. A crowd immediately gathers as they patiently try to explain they’re not in costume and can everyone please get the fuck out of the way?

3:24pm
Meet the Black Cat. Raorrrwww.

3:25pm
Small child accidentally hits me in the balls with a two-foot stuffed Spider-Man. Barely resist the urge to suffocate him with a limited edition Comic Con goodie-bag.

3:45pm
Is there anything on Earth more terrifying than a giant Batman, made of Lego?

3:47pm
…of course there is.

3:58pm
A man paying for an item apparently gives the woman behind the counter too little money, prompting her to yell, “Don’t you try the old Jedi mind trick on me, sir!”

4:07pm
Tony Stark and She-Hulk have a very involved conversation with two Victorian gentlemen as to the exact shade of green required on their Steampunk goggles.

4:09pm
Fully grown man with large, mutton chop sideburns is wandering around dressed as the least convincing Harry Potter since our local crack-crazed hobo, Frankie “Will Hit You With A Bat For $$” Gordon put on a scarf and decided to tell children he could teach them “magic”. Very disturbing.

4:17pm
Suddenly really tempted to buy a “Hulk Hogan as Thunderlips in Rocky IV” toy.

4:23pm
I asked this guy what he was supposed to be. He answered, cheerily, “I have no idea.”

4:23pm
It didn’t make any more sense from the back.

4:31pm
Am about to ask girl covered in terrible scar tissue if I can take a photo when I suddenly think – what if it’s not a costume, and she i just covered in terrible scar tissue?

4:35pm
What? It’s Wonder Woman. Do you need a reason?

5:07pm
This Alice in Wonderland couple scared the shit out of me, frankly.

5:10pm
A girl in full-on elf gear sits cross-legged, meditating outside one of the conference rooms. It’s too odd even to laugh at.

5:13pm
Sometimes it all gets a little bit too much.

5:16pm
Two guys in extravagantly-detailed wizard costumes sit on the floor, eating hot dogs and giving each other a high-five.

5:29pm
Save the world or eat a sandwich, save the world or eat a sandwich…

5:45pm
Even supervillains need to nap sometimes.

5:47pm
The freaky Alice couple walks by me again. Begin to get the fear.

5:49pm
Hugely fat dude waddles past saying, “What do you mean? I haven’t eaten anything today. Two burritos don’t count as food.”

6:03pm
A stealthy ninja stealthily reads his stealthy paper in the corner, stealthily.

6:22pm
Blanka gets caught short and has to take a dump behind a pretzel truck.

6:30pm
The saddest overheard phone call of the convention: “Er, dude? I think I lost Susan somewhere…”

6:34pm
“Be quiet! I must finish my erotic fan fiction before the next panel or I’ll just look downright foolish!”

6:44pm
Turns out, both of these girls have been in Maxim before. Which isn’t surprising, considering how good they look in spandex.

6:51pm
Run into the freaky Alice couple AGAIN. Become convinced they are going to kill me in my sleep.

6:58pm
With two minutes to go till the convention closes for the night, I find a pile of Lego big enough to make an elephant house out of. (At least, I hope it was Lego – it was bright yellow, and there was a child squatting on it, so I might have been wrong). Why do I always find the best stuff right as I’m being kicked out, damn it? Ah well. Tomorrow, Comic Con – tomorrow!

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