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The 5 Dumbest Iron Man Armors

It looks like there’ll be a whole heap of new armors in Iron Man 3. But will these ones show up? We’re hoping not.

 

5. Thorbuster Armor

After having so much success with his Hulkbuster Armor, Tony Stark - who clearly has some really serious trust issues - decided to branch out and build more suits that could destroy his fellow superheroes. For Thor, Tony took a magical crystal (that Thor had given him as a present – dick move, Tony) and decided to turn it into an Asgardian killing machine, complete with an utterly superfluous Asgardian-style helmet. The Thorbuster Armor was powered exclusively by magic, which immediately undercut all the techno-savvy coolness that makes Iron Man great in the first place. Despite this, Thor - the one person this thing was built to defeat - kicked the living crap out of it on their first encounter.

 

4. Heroes Reborn Armor

This worst part about this super-'90s redesign was the ridiculous exhaust pipes sticking out of the back - as though, all of a sudden, Iron Man would go from running on his highly advanced arc reactor to switching over to diesel fuel. The comics did seek to explain the new spokes, saying that the tubes released beta particles used in powering the suit, but since the previous suits also ran on beta particles and didn’t, apparently, need the exhaust pipes, we’re going to call bullshit and just assume that Jim Lee really loved big rig trucks.

 

3. 2020 Armor

Way in the future, in the year 2020, Iron Man will look like this…at least that’s what the story was back in 1984. In this version of the future, Stark Industries was inherited by Tony Stark’s evil cousin, Arno Stark, who decided to use the Iron Man suit to commit nefarious deeds. To make himself seem more villainous, Arno made a whole bunch of really stupid modifications to the Iron Man suit. First off, he added big gears to the shoulders, which, as well as presumably blocking his vision and impairing his movement, made the suit look like it was built by a K’nex kit. After that, he added a whole bunch of other random spikes and hooks that, far from making it look scary, just made the suit look like a bottle opener. By far the silliest thing was the addition of teeth to the face plate, which came across less as “iron-skinned warrior of the future” and more “steampunk robot hillbilly.”

 

2. Golden Armor

The very first Iron Man suit was built when Tony Stark was a POW in Vietnam (yes, Vietnam – Iron Man’s first published appearance was in 1963). Made of empty beer cans, paper clips, bamboo, and whatever else was laying around, Tony fashioned a pretty remarkable piece of machinery. Although it looked like a walking garbage can, the first armor served Tony well, but he soon decided that the suit was too scary-looking and decided to find a new look. Now that he was back in the good ol' USA and had the full resources of Stark Industries at his disposal, how did Tony decide to upgrade his armor? He…spray painted it gold and added a little skirt around the waist? Is that – is that right? That can’t be right. Good Lord, our research department (shut up, we totally have one) is telling us that this is, indeed, correct. Yeah…we’re just going to assume this was one of Tony’s less-than-sober moments.

 

1. Camelot Saga Armor

In the Iron Man story “Legacy of Doom,” somehow, Dr. Doom got ahold of the ancient sword Excalibur (maybe it was sticking out of The Thing?) and started wreaking havoc with it, beating Iron Man to a pulp. Tony Stark responded by finding Excalibur’s scabbard, which fused itself magically with his armor, making it almost 90% more stupid. Now powered by sorcery and limited only by Tony’s imagination, all of the classic Iron Man abilities were traded in for stupid magic tricks - repulsion beams were replaced with “spell shots,” flight was accompanied by My Little Pony-esque sparkling, and the suit itself was powered by dragon shit rather than beta particles (well, probably). Despite all this nonsense, the real reason why this is the #1 dumbest Iron Man armor of all time is the fact it has a big, white, flowing lock of hair growing out the top of the helmet. If no bad guy ever grabbed that stupid ponytail and swung Tony around their head with it, then we’ve lost all faith in the supervillain community.

 

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