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Demonstrators' Pickup Guide: Occupy Wall Streeter vs. Tea Party Girl

Both claim to be populist revolts that aim to upend an elitist system and bring the power back to the people.

Both say the system's broken, and that the only people to benefit from the last bailout were the fatcats.

But if you tell a Tea Party hottie that you sympathize with her Occupy Wall Street beliefs (or vice versa), you've just eliminated any chance of getting to know her better. So how do you make sure without asking her straight out?

With this dandy checklist, of course!

1. When police cars pass by, the expression on her face says ...

A) "I'm about to get pepper-sprayed." or "I feel the urge to defecate."

B) "Some hippie's about to get pepper-sprayed, and I'm going to enjoy watching."

2. The protest sign she's holding includes ...

A) a labored pun or recent Internet meme

B) at least one misspelled word

3. On the timeline of her life, which of these probably closer?

A) puberty

B) menopause

4. She communicates with  ...

A) ... an iPhone.

B) ... a firearm.

5. Her clothes are primarily made from ...

A) ... organic and fair-trade fibers.

B) ... polyester and cheap Chinese labor.

6. She smells like ...

A) ... she hasn't showered in a few days.

B) ... Vicks VapoRub.

7. She's eating ...

A) ... something vegan.

B) ... something from the Walmart McDonald's.

8. She's listening to ...

A) ... Neutral Milk Hotel.

B) ... a country song with the word "Freedom" in the title.

9. How does she get around?

A) fixed-gear bike

B) Rascal scooter

10. She's communicates with  ...

A) ... an iPhone.

B) ... a firearm.

Add up the number of "A" answers and the number of "B" answers. If there are more "A" answers than "B" answers, you have an OWS supporter. If you have a "B" answer, you have a Tea Partier.

Still not sure? Ask her these bonus questions and note her answers:

Bonus 1: Where was President Obama born?

A) "Hawaii."

B) "He's not really president, you know."

Bonus 2: Why didn't you bring any brownies?

A) "I'm sick of people asking me if they're 'special' brownies."

B) "'Brownie' is slang for a perverted sex act."

Bonus 3: So what are you going to do if your movement gets all its demands met?

A) "Back to grad school."

B) "Watch TV and collect my pension."