America has a hard choice to make: With two thoroughly unlikable franchises going head to head in the Super Bowl, who will we, as people, opt to root against. The team you loath, after all, says far more about you than the team you kind of like. And, this year, it’s even harder to choose because the underdogs have all been put down. Last year’s champ is going up against the franchise that has dominated football for the last fifteen years. It’s a hard question to answer, but there is a right decision. Screw the Patriots.
1. They are cheaters
We’re no longer going to argue this fact. With their second very public exposure of breaking rules in order to win games, The Pats are right up there with Barry Bonds, The Black Sox, and Lance Armstrong as athletes who will be remembered more for the fact that they consistently broke the rules than were actually all that great.
2. They are the Yankees of football.
They would be the St. Louis Cardinals of football, but the Cardinals have actually won recently. The Patriots win a lot of games but haven’t won the Super Bowl since 2004. 2004. Barack Obama was an Illinois State Senator during the last season the Patriots won it all. Prolonged excellence this is not.
3. The “Patriots way” is a complete sham.
Ignoring for a moment the cheating --- the very idea of there being a classy way of conducting one’s self that all Patriots hold themselves to is a total fabrication. No other team actually employed someone who killed two people during the off-season. And Aaron Hernandez is just the tip of the iceberg. They’ve punched police officers, punched other motorists, starred in pornography, and failed countless drug tests.
4. Bill Belichick is not some sort of genius -- he’s just a huge troll.
Besides the fact that he’s been blessed with an amazing QB, this is still the same guy who coached the Browns to a 36–44 record during his tenure, and a 5-11 record in his first season with the Patriots (pre-Brady). He gets credit for being some sort of football guru, but he mostly exploits loopholes in the rules including his patented “let’s not give the refs enough time to tell the opposing team one of our fat guys is eligible.” Real sportsmanlike, Bill. You are a troll, a hideous troll who uses his sweatshirts to hide his magnificent horns.
5. They’re the reason Eli Manning has two Super Bowl rings.
Match the 2007 Giants and 2011 Giants against a defense like the Steelers or Ravens and Tom Coughlin is probably insanely coaching his granddaughter’s soccer games right now. Instead, their soft D allowed Eli Manning to connect on two of the craziest passes in Super Bowl history and now Eli has more rings than Peyton. Thanks, Pats.
6. Tom Brady cannot throw AND catch the ball.
Or so says his beautiful supermodel wife Giselle, who was very frustrated when Tom Brady’s receivers dropped dead in the 2011 Super Bowl.
7.Rob Gronkowski is the worst.
Look at this giant slab of bro. The Gronkspike? That’s not anything special, bro, that’s just throwing a ball really hard into the ground. The Gronk Spike. Sheesh.
8. Robert Kraft is the phantom commissioner of football.
Roger Goodell is simply a puppet that Kraft controls, The Emperor to Goodell’s Darth Vader. But I somehow doubt Goodell will be turning on his master anytime soon and throwing him into a pit at the fifty-yard line of Gillette Stadium.
9. The fans.
Can we talk about Boston fans for a moment? Now that they’ve experienced a modicum of success in every professional sport over the past decade, they’ve reached new levels of insufferableness, with every slight against their city or their team tantamount to disagreeing with the very principles society is founded upon. A questioning of Belichick’s tactics is equal to saying Einstein wasn’t so great, and a jab at Tom Brady is like taking a shiv to the pope. They never could take a joke, but at least they used to accept their role as a cute replica of an actual city.
10. The Patriots.
What an ill-fitting name. People like Tom Brady can smile his fake smile and pretend he really cares about his freedom or his millions or his gorgeous wife but he only cares about one thing, and that’s finally establishing a dynasty. And isn’t that why we fought the Revolutionary War to begin with? To get rid of dynasties? We got rid of dynasties because dynasties are boring, and so are the Patriots. May they be vanquished once and for all, the tyrannical menace known as Belichick finally exposed as a fraud and Brady forced to retreat into the doldrums from whence he came. Be gone these faux-Patriots. Be gone!
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