Award shows are like church but with better looking people. They’re long, boring and when it’s over you feel let down. We submitted a job application to produce the Academy Awards this year, and as we eagerly sit by the telephone hoping Mr. Academy calls back, here’s how we would spice up the ceremony.
Step One: Rejection Speeches
Instead of hearing from the winners, we only hear from the losers who will explain why, exactly, they lost and who was really to blame. (e.g. “I just really want to blame the director who didn’t let me use that Dutch accent. And my husband.”)
Step Two: In Memoriam Game
The saddest part of the evening comes when the Academy remembers those who have passed away this year. Add some much-needed pizzazz to the sorrow by somehow bringing back to life whoever receives the most applause. (We suggest using high-voltage electricity or wizard wind.)
Step Three: Punishments
One kitten will be killed for each of the following occurrences:
Brokeback Mountain joke
Presenters verbally acknowledge the teleprompter
Joke regarding the show’s bloated length
The audience learns of the Academy’s importance and goals via some old person no one knows
Someone reminds us that the Holocaust was messed up
The Best Foreign Language Film acceptance speech isn’t hilarious or tedious
There’s a random shot of some bored actress who is not relevant to anything being said during the acceptance speech
Someone references The Crying Game
Step Four: The Three Trials
Before approaching the stage, winners must pass the three trials using only the following clues:
“Only the penitent man shall pass.”
“Only in the footsteps of God, shall he proceed.”
And finally: “Rub Jack Nicholson’s belly. [Clockwise]”
Step Five: Acceptance Speeches Will be Cut Short
If the winner prattles on and on, at the 35-second mark, the screen will cut to a paparazzi image of the winner either eating a big sandwich, getting out of a car in an unlady-like fashion, or using the bathroom. Image remains on screen for duration of acceptance speech, as fart noises and slide whistles accompany.
Step Six: New Awards
Best Post-Credits Secret Scene
Third Best Actress of the Year
Best Tag Line
Least Original Song
Best Movie That We Say Is Good Because We Want To Look Like a Hot Shot
Best Hindsight: The Award We Screwed Up Last Year
Step Seven: New Carpet
The red carpet is tacky and cliché. Time to roll out the clear carpet! Nothing says elegance like walking on a sheet of highly polished glass. Did we mention there will also be a loose rabid ferret reporting live from the Clear Carpet? ‘Cause there will be. (His name is Ray-Ray and he has a press pass from some random blog.) Should be fun, no?
Step Eight: Monkey Tightrope Picnic
We don’t know what this is, but we’ll probably need a taught rope. Monkeys, too.
Step Nine: Improve Billy’s Performance
Billy Crystal is a comedy legend, according to our granddad. To help the younger audiences realize that Billy is making jokes, he must punctuate every sentence with, “Get it?” That’ll help significantly.
Step Ten: Only Famous People May Attend
Sorry, Documentary Short Subject nominees, but you’re more than welcome to watch the show with us, and we’d love to learn more about the Holocaust. Maybe you can help us out?