24 Hours to Live: Fred Armisen & Carrie Brownstein

Portlandia's resident quirksters (and real-life rockers) weigh in on the hereafter.
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Portlandia's resident quirksters (and real-life rockers) weigh in on the hereafter.
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So how do you guys want to go?

Fred: On the Haunted Mansion ride in Disneyland, so that upon seeing my body, people say, “That’s a little too realistic.”

Carrie: In my sleep. Or torn apart by wild animals.

Are you going to heaven or hell, and why?

C: Hell. I’ve never done anything too terrible or illegal, but I feel like hell would be a more interesting place to hang out. All the subversives and incendiaries and weirdos—that’s who I want to be around. 

F: Hell. In the satanic religion (666!), we are taught to honor the words of the Necronomicon. There’s a wonderful passage about the afterlife (to be said in echoing whispered tones with ominous music playing underneath): “In hortucus im pleribus om hactoribus flen nocturnum.”

What song or album is playing in hell on repeat?

F: “Happy Birthday to You,” but slowed way down.

C: I bet hell plays the Eagles on repeat. I’ll bring noise-canceling headphones. 

What anecdote do you each hope the other won’t tell at your funeral?

F: The time I cried in her living room. That does not leave this page! I will deny this happened, if asked.

C: No comment.

Which musicians are playing at your funeral? And what songs?

F: Prince. “I Would Die 4 U.”

C: Paul Westerberg. “Sixteen Blue,” “Unsatisfied,” “Androgynous,” “I Will Dare.” Anything by the Replacements would suffice.

What’s the most “Portland” business, bar, or restaurant you’ve experienced, and how did it compare to what’s on the show?

C: Portland is far weirder than Portlandia. A food cart once complained to me that they had too many customers. 

F: A food cart that makes fruit juices, but the way to power the blender is by riding a stationary bicycle. It was appropriate.

Your bands, Trenchmouth and Sleater-Kinney, are going on one last, pre-death tour. Who’s the headliner? Fine, we know it’s Sleater-Kinney.

F: Exactly. In fact, we would be happy just working the merch table.

C: I know it’s Sleater-Kinney, too. 

If you could be reincarnated as one of the characters you have played, which would you pick and why?

C: Toni from the feminist bookstore. She’s mysterious. Also, I like how she exists in a world of comfort but is still prickly. Like a cozy sweater with the tag still attached.

F: Spyke, the bicycle-rights guy. He’s the best at self-expression.

Who do you most want to haunt or spy on from the afterlife?

F: A huge arena of football fans during a Super Bowl. So not expected.

C: Not who, but where. Some place relaxing. I’ll haunt a beach in Hawaii.

If heaven were like Portland, what would the similarities be? Differences?

C: People would be friendly. Lines would be shorter. 

F: The clouds!

What do you want to have engraved on your tombstones? 

F: “Buried Alive.”

C: “I Wanted to Be Cremated!”

Photos by Maarten De Boer / Contour by Getty Images