5. Dolph Lundgren vs. Frank Langella – Masters Of The Universe
Quick question – what would you expect to happen when you pit a hulking, Nordic monster whose huge, rippling muscles are still not enough to contain his natural Viking fury (or drumming skills) against a pleasant, balding, middle-aged character actor who would later go on to earn an Oscar nomination for portraying Richard Nixon? If you answered, “A hysterically one-sided fight that probably ends with the old guy falling down a hole, or something,” then you are either a psychic, or you have watched the fiiinaall baaattle scene from Masters Of The Universe way too many times.
4. Jean-Claude Van Damme vs. Raul Julia – Street Fighter
Poor Raul Julia. It is sad enough that an actor of his caliber died at such a young age – only 54 – but it is truly a tragedy that his final onscreen moments were spent as a punching bag for Jean-Claude Van Damme’s new army boots. M. Bison is clearly no match for the all-American (albeit suspiciously Belgian-sounding) soldier Guile, and their fight is so one-sided it becomes uncomfortable to watch. Note to producers: the climactic fight scene of a movie should not look like an old man being brutally mugged at the bus stop. Unless we’re watching Bus Stop Beatdowns 4, of course, in which case, fine.
3. Daniel Craig vs. Mathieu Amalric – Quantum Of Solace
In the red corner: An indestructible secret agent who we’ve previously seen run right through solid walls in his unstoppable pursuit of his soon-to-be-dead enemies. In the blue corner: A sort of weasely-looking guy who has a dastardly plot to overcharge people slightly on their water bills. If there’s a less intimidating opponent for James Bond than a man in white slacks, shrieking continuously in a French accent, we’ve yet to see it.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. James Earl Jones – Conan The Barbarian
Now, while it’s true that Jones was the voice of Darth Vader, in person, he looks like the world’s cuddliest teddy bear. Throw in a haircut that makes him look like Bettie Page after a terrible, terrible car accident, and you’ve got a less than inspiring nemesis for Arnie at the peak of his physical fitness. That sound you’re hearing? That’s the lamentation of the audience.
1. Mark Wahlberg vs. A Tree – The Happening
In fairness, at least these two are equal in their acting abilities.