7 Reasons 'Hunger Games’ Villain Donald Sutherland Would Make A Great President

The Hunger Games or not, we’re voting the Donald.
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The Hunger Games or not, we’re voting the Donald.
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A generation is being taught to hate Donald Sutherland, who plays Coriolanus Snow, the villainous commander of Panem in The Hunger Games films. The performance is great (yeah, we’ve seen the movies, shut up), but we don’t want kids to get the wrong idea. He’s just acting. Sutherland would make a damn fine president – if it wasn’t for him being a Canuck.

Here’s why:

1.He has a fucking magnificent silver mane.

We haven’t had a bald President since Eisenhower. If success in the Electoral College were predicated on a head of lustrous hair, Sutherland would sweep the nation, then lead it with the courage and stamina of a silvery lion. 

2.He holds an appropriately creepy regard for Jennifer Lawrence.

Nothing is more American than fanatically professing love for Jennifer Lawrence. Sutherland recently won the gold medal in that particular arena, calling Lawrence a “genius” akin to “Joan of Arc and Jesus Christ.” A Sutherland-Lawrence third-party ticket would blow this whole thing wide open.

3.He had enough charisma to get laid even after THIS PHOTO was released.

Though not Hollywood-handsome, Sutherland has the laid-back, California creative vibe down pat, and has definitely leveraged it with the ladies. We would love to see what havoc he could wreak on Angela Merkel’s reserve at the 2020 UN summit.

4.He definitely inhales.

Unlike Bubba, Sutherland, if given the chance, likes to take a long, deep pull. A President with first-hand recreational drug experience would be a steadying, bud-scented force during America’s (slow, ponderous, forgetful) road to legalization. 

5.That voice.

Used to great effect in The Hunger Games series, Sutherland’s gravelly basso is both comforting and intimidating. We can think of no better to shout down Putin, or to deliver a jingoistic fireside chat.

6.He already had a sex scandal, onscreen, and diffused it.

Rumors circulated around Hollywood for years that Sutherland and Julie Christie went method for the sex scene in Nicolas Roeg’s 1973 film "Don’t Look Now." When a memoir brought it up, Sutherland quickly put the kibosh on the gossip, saying the chemistry came down to good acting. Lying is also part of politics….

7.He proved the depth of his anti-war sentiments by having a three-year affair with Hanoi Jane.

America is a country exhausted after more than a decade of war. Most politicians, besides the Senate’s lone socialist-pacifist, promote peace only when it’s politically expedient. In the early seventies, Donald Sutherland spent three years holding anti-Vietnam rallies with Jane Fonda, who he was also sleeping with. That seems like two credentials right there.

Photos by Murray Close / Lionsgate/ Everett Collection