Any sort of giveaway
Tote bags, umbrellas, key chains… Are any of these worth getting to the stadium two hours early? Do yourself a favor and hit up eBay if you really need that bobblehead doll of your team's backup middle infielder.
Trivia on the Jumbotron
Note to everyone sitting around us: The giant scoreboard can't hear you and we're not impressed that you knew the correct number of fans at tonight's game. So stop yelling.
Let's see…stay in your uncomfortable seat after a four-hour snoozefest to see some pretty sparklers or beat the traffic out of the lot? We know which one we're picking.
The T-shirt launch
The cornerstone of any good crowd frenzy are the geniuses in the upper deck who must think the T-shirt cannon was designed by Lockheed Martin. If you want a free shirt at the ballpark, do it the right way and sign up for a credit card using a fake social security number.
Getting a foul ball from the ball girl
The ball girl picks up a foul grounder, places it in some douche's glove, and he turns to the crowd triumphantly. Way to go, big guy! Can't believe you didn't pull a hammie on that one!
Ground crews that dance
We're way too compassionate to enjoy such humiliation. Can you imagine that job interview? "Well, Mr. Smith, your ability to water down dirt is exceptional, but we have one last question: Can you do the Macarena?"
Call us old-fashioned, but it's hard to find the romance in a proposal that takes place in between the whiny kid eating ice cream out of a batting helmet and the fat guy with three decades worth of collector's pins on his hat.
The Kiss Cam
It's the proposal's ugly little sister, featuring some lame couple sitting together passionless until the hyperactive crowd forces them to share a peck on the cheek. Wake us up when someone invents the Blow Job Cam.
Does that octogenarian organ player think everyone in the crowd is sheep? Oh, wait. They are. We're pretty sure this is what Germany looked like in the '30s.
We just paid $25 for a nosebleed seat and eight bucks for a warm beer. Now if you'll pardon us, we're going to sit on our ass and let the rich guys on the field do all the moving.
Peanut vendors who throw the bag
Every section's got one and, somehow, every section is filled with people who are impressed. Go ahead and whoop it up for the 50-year-old man in the neon shirt whose only skill is throwing bags of snacks accurately, but we choose to pity him.