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5 Fictional Summer Camps That Should Fire Their Counselors

These movie and TV camps offer arts & crafts, horseback-riding, and the occasional drowning. Best summer ever!

Everyone Who Works at Camp Firewood in Wet Hot American Summer

Set in 1981 at a summer camp run by actual fucking morons, this hilarious Michael Showalter/David Wain production stars Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Janeane Garofalo, Elizabeth Banks, Molly Shannon, and David Hyde-Pierce—who delivers the film’s most Shakespearean line: “Oh, fuck my cock.” This inept crew of counselors and staff are wholly unfit to be near children, let alone supervise them. They get high, make out, neglect the kids, hallucinate about talking cans of vegetables…and all of that is just during the one day in which the movie takes place.

 

Camp Chippewa’s Directors in The Addams Family Values

When the Addams family welcomes a new addition in the form of a baby, Wednesday and Pugsley aren’t happy about it. And their repeated attempts to murder the child lead Morticia and Gomez to send them away to sunny Camp Chippewa—aka, hell on earth. There are arts & crafts, swimming in the lake, and two sunny camp directors (played by Peter MacNicol and Christine Baranski) who make us want to kill ourselves. After they’re caught trying to escape, Wednesday and Pugsley are locked in the “Harmony Hut,” where they are forced to watch movies like The Sound of Music and The Brady Bunch. There is also camp-wide singing of “Kumbaya.” Oh, the horror.

 

Krusty the Clown and the Springfield Bullies at Kamp Krusty on The Simpsons

You know who is unfit to take care of children? A cartoon character. Especially a cartoon character like Krusty the Clown. Or worse, the town bullies, whom he hires to keep Kamp Krusty—“The Krustiest place on Earth”—afloat while he’s at Wimbledon. It is built on an actual Indian burial ground, and in addition to roasting pinecones, running from avalanches, and trying not to drown, Kamp Krusty also offers a program of “diet and ridicule for you fat kids.” That’s marvelous. In the end, Krusty takes the kids on a special trip to the happiest place on Earth…Tijuana. Let’s just say that Milhouse probably isn’t going to make it.

 

The Counselors at Camp Crystal Lake in Friday the 13th

The “How to be a Camp Counselor Guide for Dummies” literally has like one golden rule: Don’t let the campers drown. This was apparently lost on the counselors charged with protecting young Jason Voorhees, who drowned in 1957 in the lake at Camp Crystal Lake because, instead of supervising him, they were busy banging each other. If it weren’t for these two dummies, a bunch of fictional teens would have been spared by Jason’s murderous, hockey mask-wearing ghost. And we would have been spared from having to watch Friday the 13th and its 11 sequels over the past 30 years. Jerks.

 

Camp Hope Director Tony Perkis in Heavyweights

Judd Apatow co-wrote this oft-forgotten 1995 flick starring Ben Stiller as Tony Perkis, the aggressive, dickish new owner/director of a fat camp for boys. Perkis is a fitness guru, and is hyper-motivated to whip these fat kids into shape using such questionable methods as food deprivation, humiliation, extreme exercise-based punishment, and cutting off their contact with the outside world. Suffice it to say the kids only wind up gaining more weight, and eventually band together to drive Tony out of Camp Hope. While on a 20-mile hike, they manage to trap him in a ditch and later imprison him in a cell made of electrified chicken wire. It’s a hilarious comedy! About fat kids!

 

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