Back when the truly ridiculous, Tara Reid-starring Sharknado came out, we were pretty excited. We didn’t actually watch it, of course, just like we didn’t actually watch anything beyond the trailers with Sharktopus or Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus or Actors You May Recognize From A Couple Commercials Run Away From A Mutant Crocodile That Utilized A Whole $20 Worth Of CGI. But we do like knowing these things exist, if only as a yardstick for how far down the toilet pop culture is going this century. If nothing else, the titles are always brilliantly goofy and fun, which is why Stonados, which bypasses the fun and goes straight to the never-ever-watch-this file, is so disappointing.
Yes, that’s right – rather than a hurricane made of dinosaurs, or a typhoon of deadly giant jellyfish, or even – and surely this is a no-brainer – a monsoon made of Sharktopusses, we get a tornado full of…stones. Which we assume is not that different from an ordinary tornado? True, there are claims in the trailer that these stones explode, but this then begs two important questions. Firstly, why do we not see a single explosion in the trailer, and secondly, for the love of God, why call this movie something as boring as "Stonados" when they could have called it something awesome? It’s not hard, guys. Bombnado. Explodinado. Blow-Your-Face-Off-Nado. It’s a tragic waste, it really is. If you missed the original airing on SyFy last November and/or hate yourself, the DVD is out on January 28th. But we’re going to wait for the inevitable sequel, which, if this is in any way a just and fair universe, will be called Rolling Stonados, and feature multiple Keith Richards hurtling out of the sky at random pedestrians. Don’t tell us you wouldn’t watch that shit.