The Maxim Oscars

Sure, we sit on the edge of our seats to see who will win “best sound mixing,” but here are the awards we’d like to give this past year’s flicks…
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Sure, we sit on the edge of our seats to see who will win “best sound mixing,” but here are the awards we’d like to give this past year’s flicks…
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Sure, we sit on the edge of our seats to see who will win “best sound mixing,” but here are the awards we’d like to give this past year’s flicks…



Best Example of Getting Hammered: Drive

Photo: FilmDistrict | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

It’s not often we walk out of a Ryan Gosling–starring art-house neo-noir thriller directed by a guy whose last movie was an existential Viking flick and proclaim it to be the film of the year, but we did with Drive. The movie’s stuffed full of memorable moments, but none gripped us like Driver’s confrontation with Albanian gangster Cook, which involves a hammer, a bullet, a brutal beat-down, and a roomful of strippers. Pure, pure awesome-sauce.

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Best Argument for Steroids: Captain America

Photo: Paramount Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Nothing says patriotism like secret, experimental performance-enhancers!

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Best End Credits: Jack And Jill

Photo: Columbia Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

There was nothing special about the end credits per se—we were just so freaking relieved when the movie finally ended.

Best Death Face: Contagion

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures| Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

The only highlight of this excruciatingly dull pandemic flick is Gwyneth Paltrow’s hysterical “Oh, shit, you guys, I’m dying!” face, which cracks us up every single time we see it. Interestingly, it looks not unlike the faces of those sitting near our entertainment director after he’s been eating his weird Indian snack foods all afternoon.

Best Situation in Which the Lady Does Not Wish to be Looked at: Bridesmaids

Photo: Universal Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

We have three things to say about Bridesmaids. (1) Anyone who labels it a chick flick is an idiot. (2) Anyone who uses the movie to start a debate about “Are women as funny as men?” needs to be punched in the face, ideally by Kristen Wiig. (3) The best poop joke of the year came courtesy of the truly disgusting food-poisoning-at-a-dress-fitting scene, which features Melissa McCarthy’s Megan crapping thunderously into the sink while screaming, “Look away! Look away! Don’t you fucking look at me!”

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Best Attempt to Look Tall: Mission: Impossible—Ghost Protocol

Photo: Paramount Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

In the fourth entry of the increasingly inaccurately named Mission: Impossible series (haven’t they actually completed all their missions so far?), Tom Cruise makes his most extravagant attempt yet to distract us from his shortitude: running down the side of the world’s tallest building, the Burj Khalifa.

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Best Graphic On-screen Fisting: The Muppets

Photo: Walt Disney Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Considering their entire lives are one long, brutal cavity inspection, the Muppets seem awfully cheery in their latest outing.

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Best Use of Three Nazis in a Bar: X-Men: First Class

Photo: Twentieth Century Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

We loved X-Men: First Class, but after the scene in which a young Magneto tracks down three former Nazis in a bar and annihilates them with their own knives and guns, we wish we’d gotten to just watch two hours of Magneto: Nazi Murderer instead.

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Worst Use of Robert De Niro: New Year’s Eve

Photo: New Line Cinema | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

De Niro showing up in a saccharine ensemble-cast holiday movie aimed at depressed housewives turned us into depressed housewives. Pass the diazepam and the cooking sherry, Ma.

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Honorable Mentions

Best Discussion About Kevin: We Need to Talk About Kevin

Best X-rated title for a PG-rated movie: Puss in Boots

Best Spoiler Alert in Title: We Bought a Zoo

Check out more Oscar Madness here.