Monday Morning Sports Rant: April 11, 2011

Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.
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Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.
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Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.

jbrukman: Today’s sports chat will be happening with me! The guy who watched zero sports this weekend.

Should be fun.

bigdaddydrew: I get pissed when a non-famous golfer wins a major.

It's the opposite of every other sport.

I have zero interest in the underdog.

I only want the elites to win, and that is just so fitting for golf.

jbrukman: Also, Charles Schwartzel?

Big: CHARL.

No –es.

jbrukman: Ah, right.

bigdaddydrew: Coochie coo!

In the center square... the vivacious CHARL!

jbrukman: Sounds like he should have a hat made out of tropical fruit.

bigdaddydrew: I'd also like to note I am now 1-for-1 in the "Tiger will never win another major" department NOSTRADREWMUS!

jbrukman: So you think it's just impossible he rebuild his image?

Americans love forgiveness.

bigdaddydrew Nah, he can do that.

He already is on the way.

But I think his intimidation factor is gone.

Hard to be afraid of a guy that sexts so poorly.

jbrukman: I've golfed once and it was mini golf and I was drunk and it was probably a dream, so this next statement comes from pure ignorance:

There’s such a thing as intimidation in golf?

bigdaddydrew: I think so.

All that shit about the sport being mental is unfortunately true. It’s very easy to get pyched out.

You used to see it in Tiger's major wins all the time. The field would just crumble around him.

Sometimes, he didn't even play that impressively and he won anyway. And that hasn't happened in a while now.

People are just like, "Oh, the guy who told Joslyn James ‘YOU ARE MY WHORE?’ I can beat his ass."

jbrukman: So if Tiger can't win anymore, how does that effect Golf's popularity? He brought tons of fans that would never watch otherwise.

bigdaddydrew: Yeah, he kills it.

Without him, it goes back to being what it was. Tiger didn't have any real lift on the sport itself.

People loved Tiger playing golf, but not golf per se.

I think a lot of people thought the sport would grow under him, but he's basically an anomaly

Like Armstrong and cycling.

jbrukman: So Yankees Boston happened. Nothing like the first of 78 three game series to come.

It really feels like they only play each other for large stretches of the season.

bigdaddydrew: That's by design

And baseball is a sport custom made for overreaction. So every series result is like “OMG! THEY'RE IN CRISIS!” or “OMG! THEY COULD WIN IT ALL!”

Which is why I think fans like the sport. It's a constant supply of agita.

jbrukman: That's not just a New York thing (or Boston)?

bigdaddydrew: OK. It's a baseball town thing. So any town that takes baseball too seriously, like New York or Boston or Chicago or St. Louis…

Obviously, people in football towns like DC don't give a flying shit.

jbrukman: Well, they better start if there's no football.

Or find something else to fill the void.

bigdaddydrew: Indeed

Like smoking ham hocks.

jbrukman: Do you realize how much productivity we'll gain just from having no football?

The millions of man hours now available for...something?

bigdaddydrew: That's a load of shit.

People will waste time in some other way.

jbrukman: Like going to Church.

Sorry, just burned God a little bit there.

bigdaddydrew: NOW HE BURNS YOU

jbrukman: Weren't we talking about the Yankees, Redsox? Right, so the loser Sox manage to actually win. HOW?

bigdaddydrew: Because they're probably not that bad.

OMG! 0-6! FACKIN PANIC!

jbrukman: Josh Beckett probably recharged his magnet power necklace.

Really opened up some chakras.

bigdaddydrew: Those things are so fucking weak.

It's like mandatory for any hillbilly white ballplayer now. And by the way, why are there no white MLB players who AREN'T hillbillies?

Every fucking time they interview some white pitcher, he's like “DURRR I LOVE HUNTIN' AND LISTENIN' TO CHAD KROEGER.”

It's like a political bloc.

jbrukman: Probably because coastal whites (that's either really racist or something from the US census) are too busy playing lacrosse.

bigdaddydrew:
That's true, I guess. But since when was baseball so regionalized?

There's baseball where I live. New York, like we said, is a big baseball town.

But you NEVER see a baseball player who came from, like, Brooklyn

jbrukman: Manny Ramirez came from Washington Heights in Manhattan...by way of the Dominican Republic. But, yes, it's true

bigdaddydrew: DOESN'T COUNT!

jbrukman: Especially since he's retired!

What's the deal with that?

bigdaddydrew: That was great.

I kinda admired him for that.

100 games? SCREW THAT.

I don't like baseball THAT much.

And the great thing was he already had the Sports Illustrated piece that was like “MANNY LOOKS BETTER THAN EVER!”

I love those preseason pieces in any sport: “HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEEN WORKING OUT!”

jbrukman: They interview his trainer: "Yeah, we've been focusing on core skills."

As opposed to all those other years, when they focused on eating hot dogs or something.

bigdaddydrew: I know!

"I feel so healthy!"

No shit! EVERYONE feels healthy!

They could just pick names out of a hat any year and come up with a preseason “HE LOOKS GOOD” piece. And this year's story goes to... Phil Hughes!

jbrukman: Even Eddy Curry gets one occasionally.

bigdaddydrew: HIS HEART IS STILL BEATING!

jbrukman: Nice.