Monday Morning Sports Rant: May 9, 2011

Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend's athletic hits and misses.
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Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend's athletic hits and misses.
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Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend's athletic hits and misses.

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maxim: Lakers. Swept.

bigdaddydrew: Emphatically, I might add.

And to go out like punks was pretty bad.

I mean, shit. How many games do they need to suspend Bynum for? 15?

That was some Dale Hunter shit right there.



maxim:
I don't know who Dale Hunter is, but if he's a cheap-shot-taking mofo, then yes.

bigdaddydrew: Hockey player.

Goon.

The point is that hockey routinely issues lengthy suspensions to cheap shot artists, and I'm surprised David Stern hasn't followed that example and gone past it to the point of overcorrection.

Because that was one of the worst elbows I've seen.

maxim:It was absurd. You might as well just punch a dude in the face.

That's a sad way for Phil Jackson to go out, too, but has there been a kind of conspicuous lack of criticism of him in the aftermath? Fact is that team was not ready to play. Isn't that a coach's job?

bigdaddydrew: Yeah, but you tend to elude criticism for that sort of thing when you've won 11 titles.

It's not like people will go, "Whoa! Those don't count now!"

I'm sure that game was probably the final straw for him.

Like, "Christ, I don't want to spend another year with these dickheads."

On the flipside... MAVS!



maxim:
Yeah! Peja Stojakovic had 21 for Pete's sake.

bigdaddydrew: It's just kind of thrilling to see Dirk, Peja, and Kidd all make a final run.

Those were all guys who you assumed, "Well, they'll never have the chance again."

You figured Peja was done eons ago.

Now they're all together and it's like HEY REMEMBER US! WE'RE KINDA GOOD AND STUFF!

maxim: Bizarro 1999 again. Which way do you think this Chicago-Atlanta series is gonna go now that it's all tied up?

bigdaddydrew: I guess Chicago.

Watching Josh Smith play is like talking to a schizophrenic.

maxim: He took over last night.

bigdaddydrew: But then he takes shots where everyone is like NOOOOOOOO.

And that's an ATLANTA crowd.

Nothing gets a rise out of them.

maxim: How about Rondo playing one-armed the other night? A dislocated ELBOW? That gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.

bigdaddydrew: OWAH POINT GAHHHHDS AHHH TOUGHAH THAN YOUR-AH POINT GAHHHHHDS!

maxim: I wanted him to be wheeled off in a chair and then come back in the fourth quarter.

bigdaddydrew: No, that's Paul Pierce's thing.

maxim: They should make it a team thing. Everyone gets to be wheeled off once in a playoff run.

Then come back to thunderous Bostonite applause.

bigdaddydrew: Like an encore at a U2 concert.

I THOUGHT THEY WEREN'T COMING BACK, BUT NOW THEY'RE PLAYING I WILL FOLLOW!

They should have a Paralympian on every roster.

Just for the drama.

One murderball player per team.

maxim: Btw, I loved Bosh saying he played poorly because he was nervous.

Um, what? You get paid $15M, dude. You're not allowed to get "nervous."

bigdaddydrew: Especially when he's been doing this for what, six years?

Wouldn't you be used to crowds and stuff by now?

maxim: He should be able to play with 15,000 people throwing bar sausages at his face.

Anyhoo. Baseball. Are we in for another season of no-nos?

bigdaddydrew: Appears so.

Bring back the roids!

It's fun to see no hitters pop up randomly during the spring and summer.

You're just minding your business and then you go to espn.com and it's like NO HITTER! HOLY SHIT!

They just spring up out of nowhere.

maxim: But I almost feel like it's already becoming "Another no-hitter? Oh. Huh. Cool." Back to eating chips.

bigdaddydrew: Oh yeah.

It's the world's shortest rush.

HEY A NO HITTER!

NEAT!

Now back to watching Top Chef.

maxim: What's gonna be the game of the week? (Wha-at to watch forrrrrrr.)

bigdaddydrew: Well, that game 4 in Boston will be kinda important.

Either they make it a compelling series or the Heat make it academic.

Game 4s don't get the respect that Game 5s do.

Game 4s are way important!

maxim: Game 4s: Unsung hero award.

Oh wait: I didn't ask you about the Derby. That was...exciting? The way that one horse at the end ran faster than the other horses?



bigdaddydrew:
I missed it.

I usually try and turn in EXACTLY when the race starts, so I don't see all that crap where they actually try and pretend the horses are people.

But then I tuned in too late.

maxim: I watched a little of the horses-as-people. And the jockey interviews. Do jockeys take reverse steroids? Dudes' voices are even kinda femme-y.

bigdaddydrew: They're like gymnasts.

People bundle them up to keep them from growing.