After watching these, you'll be grateful you only got the "it's not you, it's me" speech.
It's almost Valentine's Day, and you know what that means: either you'll be trying to show a woman you love her by buying her a dinner you got a deal on through Groupon, or you'll be sitting at home pretending you totally don't care about all this romance stuff while secretly wondering what your ex is up to. Either way, February 14th is coming, but here at Maxim we want to make you feel better, even if you plan to spend the evening alone with your collection of Tenga Cups. These horrendous movie breakup scenes are here to remind you that it could always be worse.
It's bad enough that Evelyn is dating a serial killer whose hobbies include murders and executions, but she receives the ultimate diss when he leaves her crying in public, claiming he "has to go return some video tapes." Although, all things considered, it's not the worst way that relationship could've ended.
The Foot Fist Way
The single greatest break up speech of all time runs the gamut from AIDS to poop to regenerative science. Only Danny McBride could tell a woman he "hopes her hair turns to dog shit" and still have the audience side with him.
Wet Hot American Summer
Ah, teenage love. Or, as it's more accurately known, "really, really wanting to rub your sexy parts against the person you really, really like's sexy parts, like, all the time." In this case, sexing an attractive partner turns out to be more important to a teenage girl than building a relationship with a nicer, but more homely guy. Who'd have thought?
There are probably better times to break up with your shrewish girlfriend than at your buddy's wedding, but what the hell, sometimes you just have to let someone know they're a bad, bad person. Especially if you've already got Heather Graham waiting in the wings.
Getting dumped during your high school graduation by your cheating girlfriend sounds like the worst possible scenario, but somehow Scotty manages to defy the odds. Later on in the film, it's rubbed in his face in a song by the accomplice, making this breakup even more excruciating. While we're sure he wanted to unleash his inner rage and kick some ass, that's easier said than done when the guy doing your girlfriend appears to be one of the Hell's Angels.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
If there's anything more humiliating than getting dumped while you're in the nude, we've yet to discover it (and God knows, we've been looking). The always-awesome Jason Segel gets bonus points here for his anguished butthole display.
A pissing contest regarding who sucks more? No thanks - with all of that incessant whining, you might as well be married.