Rich Sommer's Fake Mad Men Spoilers

Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce’s own Harry Crane gives us totally made-up show secrets
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Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce’s own Harry Crane gives us totally made-up show secrets
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Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce’s own Harry Crane gives us totally made-up show secrets

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Photo Courtesy of AMC | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Your favorite show about booze, sex and lawnmower disasters will finally return this Sunday for its fifth season. We’ve all had plenty of time to form theories (five bucks on Sally dropping acid and jumping out a window), but who better to dish on the storylines ahead than an actual Mad Men cast member? We asked Rich Sommer, who plays Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce’s head of television Harry Crane, to ruin the new season for us. What follows are completely factual and not at all embellished spoilers. (Editor’s Note: Except for the fact that they’re all lies.)

Don’s Career Takes an Odd Turn

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Photo Courtesy of AMC | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

“Don leaves the agency. Gone. And opens up one of the earlier McDonald’s franchises.”

The Ad Agency Finds Unexpected Success

“[It’s] kind of weird for us because he then calls us to write the ads for him and we do great. And we win all these awards, Clios and stuff. And it makes Don sort of miss the business, and he wants to come back, but we make him start at the bottom again. “

Don Starts From Square One…Again

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Photo Courtesy of AMC | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

“He starts as a mail boy. But quickly sleeps his way to the top. “

Pete Campbell Is Smug As Ever

“They move up Pete up to a ‘full’ partnership [while Don is gone], but of course they still won’t put his name on the door...Oh, he’s still super douchey about it. For sure.”

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Photo Courtesy of AMC | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Why He’s Not a True Mad Man

“I don’t watch a lot of ads. When [my wife and I] lived in New York, we were both starving to death, but we did pay for a DVR. I think that was one of our wedding gifts, a TiVo. It’s one of those luxuries that I’ll never do without.”

On a Hypothetical Cage Match Between Harry, Kenny and Kinsey

Account executive Ken Cosgrove, one-time copywriter Paul Kinsey and Harry started at roughly the same rung in the totem pole in season one, but have since seen vastly different careers. So who would come out on top in a cage match? “Kinsey probably read about something, some ancient move or whatever. He may dazzle us with his douchiness and that could stun us. Ken? Ken could probably talk his way out of something. He never makes much sense but he’s a fast talker, so that could at least distract us. Harry’s got no shot. I mean, they could knock his glasses off his face and if his eyesight is anything like mine, which I think it is, he’s done for. So I can’t tell you who’d win between Kinsey and Cosgrove. I can tell you it would be super annoying.”

Which Mad Men Character Would Embrace Awful ‘70s Fashion

“I imagine Pete would be in some pretty bad clothes, because I think Trudy dresses him at least on the weekends. I don’t know if you remember that cricket outfit that he wore -- yeah, he definitely would be in trouble, real trouble fashion-wise. Harry too! My God. Harry, of course. I think that Harry would probably be one of the first ones to wear those bell bottoms...I mean, the outfit that he wears the first time you see him in this premiere, you’re just going to want to punch him in the face. I’m pretty sure he would be the first on the train to Dummytown with clothes.”

On Getting Threatened by The Office’s Jim and Pam Fanatics

Back on season five of The Office, Sommer guested as Pam’s art school friend who (unsuccessfully) tries to get her to stay in New York. And fans were not happy with him. “Back when my daughter was just a little baby, I was on a plane and this guy came up to me and said, ‘Hey, hey. Don’t fuck with Jim and Pam.’ And I don’t think he meant it to sound as menacing as it did, but it was intimidating.”

On Hanging with Paul Rudd

“I now have those few and far between chances to hang out with those people that I idolize and I know that I can’t socially function...Like Paul Rudd, I can hardly be in the same room with him because everytime I see him, I just turn into a total fucking idiot. I’m just like, ‘Ha, oh yeah, man, sure, right, hey buddy! Heyyyyy.’ And he’s like, ‘This was really fun, and then you started talking to me.’ I’ve kinda started to pull it together a little more, but I just can’t form words around him.”

On His Least Favorite Board Games

When not walking the halls of ‘60s ad agencies, Sommer hosts “Game Night with Rich Sommer” on G4’s Attack of the Show. Just don’t ask him to play these board games. “Monopoly is too easy. I don’t hate it like a lot of board game nerds do, but I don’t love it. Sorry or LIFE, any game where you make absolutely no decisions. You’re really just sitting down for 45 minutes of robot time where you’re being told what to do by the board games...And any of those adult party games. You know, where you have to do awful questions that were written in 1977. Spencer Gifts routinely sells out of those because people are always turning 40.”

On Wanderlust-Inspired Dreams

“I had a dream and I think it’s because Joe La Truglio wears this prosthetic penis through [Wanderlust]. I had a dream that I had a prosthetic penis on, for some reason, and I had to go in and get some sort of a check-up. And they were going to check me out and I was like, ‘Guys, I gotta be honest, this is a fake penis.’ And they ripped it, just ripped it off of my skin. And then my actual genitalia was like super tiny and they were like, ‘Oh, you probably should have kept the fake one. It was going great, until now.’ And that was the dream I had. So, uh [laughs] I do have to start seeing someone to talk about my dreams and my brain. I’m positive that means something in my psyche is screwed up. But I don’t know what it is.”

Mad Men premieres on Sunday, March 25 on AMC at 9:00 p.m.!