Russian Scientists Find Aliens In Lake

We may be exaggerating this one slightly. But not that much.

We may be exaggerating this one slightly. But not that much.

You know the beginning of every sci-fi horror movie ever? A team of well-meaning scientists opens a cave/reach an unknown planet/create a new species of life/make murder robots totally designed to not murder people, etc. and then, totally unexpectedly, something goes horribly wrong! (And somehow LL Cool J saves the day. That guy is a pro.)  Well, congratulations to the Russian science team at Lake Vostok for perhaps discovering a type of bacteria unknown to mankind…and maybe unleashing the zombie/mutating monster/nanobot plague.

A sub-glacial Russian lake in the Antarctic circle, Vostok is nature’s greatest gift to movie producers: over 150-miles wide, over 1,300-feet deep (on average), and sealed off from the outside world for 25 million years. Researchers hope that any life they may discover down in those horrific depths may mimic potential forms of existence on Jupiter’s icy moon Europa. Or, you know, Cthulhu monster.

The team of Russian scientists started drilling into the ice covering the gigantic body of water back in 2012, and have only just breached through. And what have they discovered in their water sample? Life! Now, before you get too scared, the Vostok team is quick to note that this bacteria may feed on kerosene, meaning that the organisms could be just the result of contamination from the drilling process. Or it could be – and we’ll just throw it out there again – the spawn of Cthulhu monster.

Look, Hollywood is inevitably going to make some kind of ham-fisted movie about this, so let’s make it easy for them. Here are your three most likely plots:

Option A:

Scientists do discover rudimentary, alien-seeming life under the icy lake, but they’re just swimming around. No biggie. Except they’re regressed life forms from Europa, left behind when aliens had to abandon Earth millions of years ago. Naturally, they now come back with murderous intent and can only be stopped by LL Cool J.

Option B:

Unleashing a terraforming plague of bacteria, the Russians begin transforming into a race of monsters bent on conquering the world (this is also the plot of Resistance: Fall of Man). Luckily, LL Cool J shows up just in time to stop it all.

Option C:

The Lovecraftian sunken city of R’lyeh isn’t under the Pacific, but beneath the Arctic ice. Good thing for mankind, Cthulhu and all his extra-dimensional cosmic horrors that would drive the strongest-willed insane are no match for LL Cool J. 

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