6 Things My 5-Year-Old Found More Impressive Than the Jets at Yesterday’s Jets Game

Short version: Everything.

Most fathers dream about that first trip to the stadium with their sons: teach them the finer points of the game, share ecstatic high-fives and feed them the world’s most expensive hotdogs. As you walk through the gates, somewhere in the distance, you swear you can hear your now 25-year-old son being interviewed by Cris Collinsworth, explaining how the first time he walked into a stadium and saw those lights, he knew he wanted to be a professional quarterback. How that one singular moment put him on the path to winning the Heisman and to the cover of Madden 2023. “I owe it all to my dad, Cris,” he explains, “and that’s why every year I buy him a new solid gold robot butler.”

I took my 5-year-old son Gus to his first game yesterday with all of these intentions swimming in my brain. As we took our seats at Metlife Stadium to witness the Jets do battle with the 49ers, I handed Gus my digital camera, thinking how cool it’d be to capture those first awestruck sights through his eyes. But the Jets didn’t so much do battle as doo-doo battle, and when the game ended 34-zip, 49ers, I clicked through his photos to see what he saw. Turns out he was pretty much as impressed with the Jets’ performance as the rest of America. Here are six things he found more worthy of photographing than what was happening on the field:

My foot.

A cloud.

The neck fat of two obnoxious 9ers fans.

A good-looking woman in the stands.

An empty plastic bottle.

A garbage can.

Want to see what we learned from NFL Week 4? Go here.

Or would you rather just look at some NFL cheerleaders? Here you go, then.