All it takes is a few sips to turn the Summer Games into the “Slumner Gahmmmswheresmyphonejerks!?”
The Olympics can be a fascinating display of worldwide athleticism, but usually it’s just 4 hours of talking followed by 18.6 seconds of action followed by 4 more hours of talking. To help make the games bearable, try out some of our favorite Olympic Drinking Events.
Track & Field (Medal competitions begin Friday, August 3rd)
Take a sip for every gold chain you see around a runner’s neck.
Take a drink if they have matching earrings.
Throw something at anyone in the room who thinks it’s okay to wear flashy jewelry during a sporting event where you’re trying to be as light and streamlined as possible.
Take a drink whenever there’s a false start.
Take two drinks if the athlete is super-pissed because the new zero tolerance rule states that a false start is grounds for immediate disqualification.
Take three drinks if the athlete throws something.
Take four drinks if you think you could have done better.
When an Olympic record is broken, the last digit of the winning score, distance or time is the amount of sips you must consume.
When a world record is broken, multiply the last digit by 5 and follow the rules of the Olympic record above.
Take a drink if there’s a horrible fall.
Take a shot if you remembered to record the fall and will turn it into a hilarious GIF.
Chug if you’re about to hurdle something in your living room because you’re filled with Olympic fever.
100m Keg Stand
Keep drinking until the first person crosses the 100-meter dash finish line. If you don’t have a keg, use a big cup. If you spill and stop, you lose. Winners move on to face off again at the 200m dash. Those who survive go head to head for the 400m and so on until there is one, very drunk champion. And then call the hospital because you’re being very irresponsible.
Take a drink if you’re watching the broad jump. You’ll need it.
Take a drink if you can name all the events in the decathlon. Hopefully the booze will make you less of a know-it-all prick. Just watch the games, smart ass.
Basketball (Finals on Saturday, August 11th)
Dream Team Dunk
Take a shot every time someone references the original “Dream Team.”
If an original “Dream Team” member is asked who would win in a match between their team and the 2012 team take 3 shots.
If it’s Charles Barkley take...wait. Never mind. It will be Charles Barkley.
Pick Your Poison
First, pick your booze of choice. Then pick one of the following players and take a shot or a chug:
LeBron James: Every time he looks at the referee in disbelief or contempt over a call, or feigns injury.
Kevin Durant: For every 5 points he makes.
Carmelo Anthony: Each time he clearly could’ve passed to someone, but didn’t.
Tyson Chandler: Every time he screams/shouts/opens his mouth really wide in a ‘yeah!’ kinda way after blocking a shot
Kobe Bryant: Every time a presenter mentions his name and ‘Phil Jackson’ or ‘Mike Brown’ in the same sentence.
Swimming (Medal compeitions through Friday, August 10th)
Michael Phelps’ Golden Moments
Drink every time someone mentions Phelps’ success at the Beijing games in 2008
Drink every time NBC shows footage of Phelps winning/celebrating/getting a medal from the Beijing games.
Drink for every Phelps commercial you see.
Do a shot if Phelps doesn’t win a gold medal.
Eat a $5 footlong from Subway if he wins a gold medal. (Note: Before you start drinking find a Subway that delivers and program the number into your phone. Or you can stock up early if you feel confident he will win gold.)
Drink Away Your Sorrows
Take a big chug of beer every time you see a swimmer with a better body than you, then weep into your empty glass. Then drink your tears because salt water builds muscle.
Take a drink if you accurately guess the score and whisper it aloud.
Take a shot if you accurately guess the score and yell, “Knew it!”
Chug if you did all of the above in a room by yourself.
Take a drink to silence the annoying announcers. Of all the gimmicky non-sports at the Olympics, the diving announcers are by far the most pompous annoying a-holes.
Tennis (Finals begin Saturday, August 4th)
Drinking with Andy Murray
Take a chug of beer any time a presenter or player simply mentions the name Andy Murray.
Take two chugs if they specifically reference his performance at Wimbledon or the word ‘redemption.’
Take a shot for every match he wins.
Drink an entire bottle of something Britishy if he wins the Men’s Singles gold medal.
Sounding Off on Serena
First, get in touch with your feminine side by guessing what color she’ll be wearing! Losers take a shot. (Note: White and Eggshell are totally different!)
Take a shot every time she throws or slams her racket on the ground.
Chug with USA pride if she threatens the life of the umpire.
Gymnastics (Medal competitions begin Monday, July 30th)
Take a shot every time someone falls.
Take two if the camera catches them crying afterwards.
Take three shots if it’s a male gymnast.
Chug of beer each time you see a male coach drape his arm around a very young looking female gymnast. This will happen more times than you except. Hence your state of inebriation will ‘creep’ up on you.
Fencing (Medal competitions through Sunday, August 5th)
This is a one on one event. You pick a warrior for each match. Anytime that your player gets hit you must take a drink. The opposite goes for your buddy. Loser of the match has to take a shot. (For best results, make light saber noises.)
Shooting (Medal competitions through Monday, August 6th)
Shooting the Sh**t
Make bets among your group on how many clay pigeons the shooter will hit.
--If you guess correctly, give out 4 drinks. You can give them all to one person or you can split them up among your crew.
--If you guess incorrectly, take the amount you were off by and convert it into drinks.
In Practice: If you guess they would hit 12 but they actually hit 20, then you have to take 8 chugs of a beer/swing of drink. If the number of hits is prime, reverse the order of the drinking. If it’s even, the person with the most ostentatious name must take a third of a drink, while the person whose house is closest to a dentist, must drink a glass filled with equal parts milk and beer. If the number of hits is 13, you know what to do. If the winner is from a country that begins with a vowel, everyone drinks...except he of the most average of heights. In the event of a tie, watch baseball. (Yes, we know it’s not part of the Olympics anymore. That’s the damn point. Thanks, MLB Network!)
Take a drink every time you see one of those inspirational video packages that make you realize how much of your life you’ve wasted up until this point.
Take a drink of beer every time you spot a celebrity.
Take two drinks if you spot a British celebrity and three if it’s a Beckham.
Take three drinks if the camera is focusing on someone who is obviously a celebrity, but you have no clue who it is.
Take a shot if you spot a member of the extended royal family.
Take two shots if you spot the Queen.
Take three shots if you spot Pippa Middleton’s ass.
Punch yourself in the face for knowing so much about the royal family.