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The Best Of Everything: Maxim's Definitive List Of The 47 Best Things Ever

We examined all 40,000 years of recorded human history and present the definitive, inarguable list of the ultimate people, places, and things that ever existed. Don’t agree with our picks? Let us know in the comments. Actually, you know what? Don’t. We’re not wrong. This list is perfect, and you’re a big fat dummyhead, so shut up!

1. Best Animal: Monkey

Picture a monkey wearing overalls. Or drinking from a teacup. Or flinging its poo. Whatever the scenario is, you’re smiling, right? (Well, maybe not if the scenario is eating your face off.)
2. Best Guitar Riff: “Eye of the Tiger”
Combining the headbanging simplicity of “Smoke on the Water,” the sexual urgency of “Whole Lotta Love,” and the visceral punch of “Cat Scratch Fever,” “Eye of the Tiger” delivered a riff so perfect it inspired Rocky to embrace the once-hated Apollo Creed and punch Clubber Lang’s dick off.
3. Best Food: Pizza
Hot or cold, plain or with everything, square, circular, or in a cone (yes, that exists), Italy’s greatest invention (suck it, art) is always just a phone call away.
4. Best Product Name: Snausages
Sorry, Apple—you may have made it cool to just stick an “i” in front of everything, but did you ever make a product for dogs that sounded exactly like the noise a dog makes while eating said product? No. No, you did not.
5. Best Century: 15th
As the world kissed the Middle Ages goodbye, it welcomed this century with bumping into America, the invention of scotch, and the use of pubic hair wigs to disguise syphilis. Age of Exploration, indeed!
6. Best Drink: Beer
Want one? Thought so.
7. Best Facial Hair: Mustache
The mustache is a symbol of manliness, a catcher of crumbs, a disguiser of ugly upper lips, and, judging by Burt Reynolds’ and Tom Selleck’s success, a chick magnet. Besides, “Wanna go on a soul-patch ride?” just doesn’t have the same ring.

8. Best Conspiracy Theory: JFK
As many as 2,000 books have been written positing various conspiracies surrounding his assassination. We’ve spent the past 20 years reading all of them and can now say for cetain that Lee Harvey Oswald did not walk on the moon.

9. Best President: Martin Van Buren
Whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat, you have no opinion of him. He unites us all!

10. Best TV Theme Song: "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”
Think there’s a TV theme that can touch its catchiness and lyrical deftness? Yo, homes, smell ya later.

11. Best Commandment: Number 2
“Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.” Easy, peasy. Total gimme, God.

12. Best Snack: Cool Ranch Doritos
A salty chip that somehow seems refreshing and leaves multicolored disco dust on your fingers for post-crunch licking. Yep, that sound you just heard was us getting a snack boner.

13. Best  “We Are the World” Verse: Bruce Springsteen
It’s not easy to stand out in a group that includes Michael Jackson, Bob Dylan, and Dan Aykroyd (what?), but the Boss did so by, apparently, taking a massive dump while recording his verse. He strained until beautiful music, and yesterday’s lunch, were smeared all over the recording booth.

14. Best Movie Villain: Hans Gruber
A classic movie villain needs a foreign accent, ideally English or German. Well, as this terrorist cum master thief, Englishman Alan Rickman’s fake German accent scares all the hair off Bruce Willis’ head. Yippee ki-yay, mofos!

15. Best Sex Toy: Handcuffs
In between the threatening (vibrators) and terrifying (what’s an “anal speculum” anyway?) lies the happy middle ground of handcuffs. They’re kinky enough to spice up your sex life and inconspicuous enough to pass off as part of your Hallo­ween costume should your nephew find them.

16. Best Criminal: Skyjacker D. B. Cooper
In 1971 this middle-aged man managed to hijack a Boeing 727, extort $200,000 in ransom, and parachute out of the plane never to be found, all the while being described as “rather nice and thoughtful” by a flight attendant.

17. Best War: Trojan
There’s something romantic about a mythological war waged over the most beautiful woman in the world, and something funny about the Trojans falling for that wood­en horse trick. Schmucks.

18. Best Item of Clothing: Toga
It worked for the Romans, and it also worked for you that one night in college when you ended up passed out in the Dumpster outside the registrar’s office. Bonus: No fly to get your wang caught in.

19. Best Movie: Goodfellas
Other movies might have more quotable lines (“You talkin’ to me?”), dark twists (“I am your father!”), or cryptic references to sleds (“Rosebud”), but nothing else ever committed to celluloid has the same combination of action, humor, story, and razor-thin garlic as Marty’s 1990 masterpiece.

20. Best Sneaker: New Balance 574 
You first saw them on your uncle in 1988. Initially, you shunned them for Chucks, Jordans, and Air Force 1’s. Then you grew up and found fat-foot paradise.

21. Best Smell: New Car
We love the aroma of bacon as much as the next person with a pulse, but frying swine’s got nothing on the odor-borne orgasm that accompanies breathing in the combo of leather, plastic, and chemical sealants of a brand-spankin’-new ride. So what if it’s probably toxic?

22. Best Letter: X
X marks the spot for our favorite letter of the alphabet: It’s a Roman numeral, it’s worth eight points on the Scrabble board, and if you X out a cartoon character’s eyes everyone knows they’re supposed to be dead, no matter how shitty an artist you are.

23. Best Athlete: Michael Jordan

Photo: Jonathan Daniel  / Allsport / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Consider this: If he hadn’t taken a two-year hiatus because of gambl—uh, to play baseball, he would have won eight straight titles. You can bet on it.

24. Best Video: “Sabotage,” Beastie Boys
This three minutes of fucking awesomeness made mus­taches, ’70s cops, and short-sleeve dress shirts the coolest things in the universe. If there is a better moment caught on film than Ad-Rock jumping into a pool and his wig coming off, we haven’t seen it.
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