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The Best Of Everything: Maxim's Definitive List Of The 47 Best Things Ever

25. Best Spanish Number: Catorce (14)
Keep counting till you find a number more fun to say out loud. Reached infinity yet?

26. Best Book: Roget’s Thesaurus
It’s the best! Inimitable! Unsurpassed! Transcendent, paramount, and second to none! Primo!

27. Best TV Cop: Det. Phil Fish (Abe Vigoda, Barney MIller)

Photo: Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
 
Just look at him.

28. Best Hairstyle: Side Part
 
29. Best Number: 69
Say you’re at the DMV or in line at a bakery or playing bingo. When 69 gets called out, someone is giggling and someone is getting high-fived.

30. Best Video Game: NHL ’94 for Sega Genesis
Sure, games today have insane graphics. But sometimes you want athletes to look less like they stepped out of The Polar Express and more like a pixel­ated, mulleted blob that sort of looks like a human. GOAL!

31. Best Cereal: Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries
Grape-Nuts may sandblast your colon, but we’re partial to the sweet (but not too sweet) crunch of these morsels of corn, oats, and…whatever Crunch Berries are. By the way, did you know that Cap’n’s full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch? Thanks, Wikipedia!

32. Best Holiday: Memorial Day
You don’t have to buy presents or spend any portion of it with relatives. All you have to do is show up at your friend’s backyard with a six-pack and drink till your face falls off.

33. Best Invention: Fire / iPad (Tie)
One keeps us warm and cooks our food. The other allows us to play Temple Run while taking a dump. Too close to call.

34. Best Sex Position: Doggy Style

Photo: CYNOCLUB / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
 
It’s consistently ranked as the ladies’ favorite in our annual sex surveys, and who are we to argue with a position that allows an unobstructed view of the game?

35. Best Candy: Fun Dip
Step 1. Lick a solid stick of sugar. 
Step 2. Stick wet stick into a pocket of other sugar. 
Step 3. Lick the stick. 
Step 4. Eat the stick.

36. Best Photography
Point your camera at a mountain or sunset and in .2 seconds, you’re an artist. And imagine a world where climbing-out-of-limousine crotch shots didn’t exist. Terrifying, we know.

37. 
Best Finger: Index
The middle finger is rude, the pinkie is lame, the thumb is ugly, and the ring finger puts too much damn pressure on you. That makes the good ol’ index finger—yes, we’re pointing at you—No. 1.

38. Best Live Concert: “Up in Smoke” Tour, 2000
If you were to add, say, Lil Wayne, Rick Ross, and Drake to Jay-Z and Kanye’s “Watch the Throne” tour, it still wouldn’t stack up to this hip-hop traveling circus featuring Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Ice Cube, and many more. Sorry to be so blunt.

39. Best Movie Gag: Spaceballs, “Comb the Desert”
It’s joke on top of joke on top of joke, culminating in the best laugh line in cinematic history: “We ain’t found shit!”

40. Best Sports Event: Super Bowl XLII

Photo: Drew Hallowell / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
 
Heading in, the Patriots were the NFL’s evil empire. Evil because of Spygate. Empire because they’d won 18 straight. That’s why no one gave the Giants a chance, especially when they were down 14-10 with 2:42 to play. But then the stars aligned, Eli hit Tyree, and the evil empire crumbled. It was like the Miracle on Ice, only with fewer Russians and more concussions.

41. Best Soda: Mountain Dew
Looks like bubbly Hulk piss, tastes like heaven. We’re still coming down off the sugar-caffeine high from Jimmy Franks’ 10th birthday party, where we drank a two-liter bottle and threw up in the back of Mom’s station wagon.

42. Best Comic Book: Watchmen
No other book has captured the possibilities of the medium the way Alan Moore’s thought-provoking, dystopian commentary on­—ow! Sorry, punched ourselves in the balls midsentence.

43. Best Stand-Up Concert: Eddie Murphy, “Delir­ious”
“Now that’s a fire!” “Goonie-Goo-Goo.” “I’ll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off!” Just about every word that came out of his mouth is permanently ingrained in our brains. The homophobic stuff is totally mitigated by Eddie “helping out” that transsexual hooker by offering him/shim a ride on Santa Monica Blvd. in 1997.

44. Best Car: 1974 Lincoln Continental Mark IV

Photo Courtesy of LincolnGivenchy
 
This 20-foot, two-and-a-half-ton tank had the turning radius of a tugboat, went from 0 to 60 in who cares, and got about six gallons to the mile— and when you were behind the wheel, you were easily the biggest pimp on the road.

45. Best Team: 1986 Mets

Photo: Focus on Sport / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
 
Given a roster filled with nut jobs like Gooden, Strawberry, and Dykstra, it’s, well, amazing that the Amazin’s ended up winning a whopping 108 games...and the Series. Shout-out to Buckner’s inability to bend down very far.

46. Best Instrument: Drum Set
Guitars get all the glory, but it’s the mighty drum kit, maker of rhythm, that requires you to sit on a throne and hit things with sticks. And it’s the fastest way to make everyone within a 10-foot radius hate the shit out of you.

47. Best TV Show: The SimpsonsSeason 5

Photo Courtesy of FOX
 
“Homer’s Barbershop Quartet.” “Bart Gets an Elephant.” “Homer Goes to College.” True Simpsons fans—and fans of TV in general—know that it simply doesn’t get better than the—Hello! Human fly here! 

Check out the 2013 Hot 100 List and Maxim's Food and Drink Awards

 

 


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