Top TV Picks of the Week: How I Met Your Mother, New Girl, and More

This week on TV, Katie Holmes dresses up a pumpkin with loose morals, Piper Perabo  lays a sexy CIA agent, and Nick Swardson "pretends" to be another total idiot. Happy Halloween, everybody!
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This week on TV, Katie Holmes dresses up a pumpkin with loose morals, Piper Perabo  lays a sexy CIA agent, and Nick Swardson "pretends" to be another total idiot. Happy Halloween, everybody!
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This week on TV, Katie Holmes dresses up a pumpkin with loose morals, Piper Perabo plays a sexy CIA agent, and Nick Swardson "pretends" to be another total idiot. Happy Halloween, everybody!

Monday, Oct. 31 

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8:00 p.m. How I Met Your Mother(CBS) 

Finally! The quest is over! Ted has found her! That's right, tonight, after seven long seasons it's revealed who...the Slutty Pumpkin is! See what we did there? You thought we were alluding to the titular mother being discovered, but it's actually a one-off character they referred to back in season one. Gotcha! Consider that your Halloween trick. Now here's the treat: Katie Holmes will be playing said Slutty Pumpkin, who has all but remained a mystery to Ted (Josh Radnor) and the gang for years. Of course, the real mystery here is that Tom Cruise let his wife play a character called the Slutty Pumpkin. We're pretty sure slutty pumpkins are frowned upon by Scientologists...or something crazy like that.

Tuesday, Nov. 1 

9:00 p.m. New Girl (Fox)

We're willing to forgive Fox for preempting New Girl in order to show the World Series (we won't, however, forgive them for playing Brian Wilson's god-fucking-awful "black ops" Taco Bell commercial roughly 203939478398937 times), especially since they're bringing the Zooey Deschanel comedy back after the long hiatus with Lake Bell as a guest star. In tonight's new episode, Nick (Jake M. Johnson) manages to land a date with his sexy coworker (Bell, naturally), only to have his adorably flaky roommate Jess (Deschanel, naturally) shake his confidence. Jeez, you're Jess, not Cecelia. Listen to your own freakin' theme song, would ya?

10:00 p.m. Covert Affairs(USA) 

The Piper-Perabo-as-a-CIA-agent (sure, why not?!) series returns for a third season with an episode titled "The Wake-Up Bomb." We're not exactly sure what a wake-up bomb entails, but we've got to imagine it would wake you up pretty damn fast. And/or blow you up. In other words, just watch Covert Affairs and stick with your old cell phone alarm for now.

Wednesday, Nov. 4 

10:30 p.m. Nick Swardson's Pretend Time (Comedy Central) 

In addition to a guest stint by Kids in the Hall alum Dave Foley and host Nick Swardson telling viewers a story about a time he sat next to Liv Tyler on a plane (and if we know Nick, there's no way he didn't play it cool), there's also a skit involving Garry Gaga, the fictitious police officer brother of Lady Gaga. If only the crime-fighting Garry Gaga appeared alongside Swardson's rule-bending rollerskating prostitute Terry Bernadino in Reno 911! Imagine the (terrifying) possibilities.

Thursday, Nov. 5 

12:35 a.m. Conan (TBS) 

Conan, or Coco as Tom Hanks would argue he prefers to be called, wraps up his week-long return to New York City at the Beacon Theater by welcoming guest Louis CK. Typically, we would never suggest a show with this many gingers in one setting at the same time (you know, for safety's sake), but considering these are the two most hilarious (okay, the only hilarious) gingers in the world, we'll make an exception.

Sunday, Nov. 6 

10:00 p.m. Hell on Wheels (AMC) 

Remember the computer game Oregon Trail? All the fun of heading westward, panning for gold, and riding an ox without all that pesky dysentery to worry about! (Plus, if you were shitty at the game your wife and kids would croak along the way, which many would argue is technically winning.) Well, this new AMC series isn't exactly like the Oregon trail, but it's still a fun, dysentery-free adventure in which a Confederate soldier named Cullen (Anson Mount) is on a quest seeking revenge against those who killed his wife. In the series debut of the 1800's-set Western (which also stars Common) Cullen takes a job helping build the first transcontinental railroad.

Not Even If You Threatened To Set Us On Fire 

Sunday, Nov. 6 

10:00 p.m. The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo) 

We like housewives, we really like Atlanta, and we're amused by the lunacy that is the Star Jones-battling NeNe Leakes, but none of that is worth tuning into the fourth season premiere of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Sure, by watching you'd see plenty of attractive ladies engaging in cat fights and the conversations that will occur amongst your female coworkers come Monday morning will make way way more sense, but it's just not worth the soul-crushing, mind-numbing headaches that the show inevitably brings. The Housewives are desperate all right, just not in the good way