How will you meet your maker?
My obsession with ghost hunting backfires when I encounter a full-body apparition. The ghost touches me, my hair turns white, and I keel over. On the other side, I find that ghost and punch him in the mouth.
Got any deathbed confessions?
Just before I croak, I’ll call someone over and say, “I’ve never told this to anyone...” and die. They’ll talk about me forever.
As an adult, what did you spend the most money on?
Toys I never had as a kid, which I’d play with for 15 minutes before losing interest. Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots? Totally overrated.
What’s your biggest regret?
Taping this girl Sarah’s head in high school. I thought it’d be funny, but she cried. It still kind of bums me out.
What was the best moment of your life?
Quitting my job on April Fools’ Day, because I like to think they were holding their breaths a bit, thinking I’d be back the next morning.
Taping that girl’s head, dude! How many times you gotta bring that up?
Tell us something about yourself that your fans never knew.
I’m lighter on my feet than I look. Give me choreography and you’re in a for a show.
Describe your funeral.
Shane MacGowan’s singing with the original Pogues. Then everyone climbs a seaside cliff, where they shoot my ashes from a cartoon cannon into the ocean. It makes a bigger mess than expected, which makes everybody go, “How appropriate.”
Who gets what in your will?
My sister gets it all, and then it goes to the highest bidder on eBay.
So now that you’re minutes away from death, can you tell us what the hell is going on on Lost?
Sorry, they can still get to me after death with that smoke thing in the woods.